Thursday, May 22, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Bush to wrestle live bear during national speech

WASHINGTON--Capitalizing on the popularity of the president's contrived "Top Gun" speech aboard the USS Lincoln, White House officials will ask George W. Bush to wrestle a live Kodiak bear to its death during a pivotal June speech on Alaskan oil production.

According to internal memos, the speech/photo-op is meant to "reinforce the president's newly minted tough-guy persona." The memo calls for Bush to be framed by the majestic Mount Denali when his speech is interrupted by a "highly drugged but still quite terrifying bear."

In handwriting thought to be that of presidential adviser Karl Rove, Bush is instructed to valiantly ignore the approach of the menacing beast as those around him cower. Only when the bear threatens Inuit children standing nearby is Bush to "roll up his sleeves, wave off Secret Service personnel and personally confront the lumbering carnivore."

"We can do this the easy way or the hard way, my friend," Bush is then scripted to say. As the bear responds with a terrifying growl, Bush is to bury a 12-inch Bowie knife in the creature's neck. "I'll eat your fucking heart!" the blood-splattered president is scheduled to scream.

Fraternity hazing injures 8, entertains 19

MANHATTAN, Kan.--A fraternity hazing incident at Kansas State University that involved pledges being blindfolded and made to walk over broken glass injured eight and entertained 19, police said Thursday.

Eight Alpha Tau Omega pledges were admitted to the hospital after sustaining minor cuts to their feet, while the 19 fraternity members who organized the initiation sustained extensive high-fiving, Corona consumption and talk about how this was "totally the best pledge challenge ever."

"It's a shame," said KSU campus police chief Brent McGillen. "These kids get out of hand and some people end up getting hurt, and others end up getting a whole helluva lot of fun."

New intern not as hot as she sounded on phone

BURBANK, Calif.--New intern Jennifer Brands is not as hot as she sounded on the phone, Imagine Media public relations director Max Colfield said after interviewing her Wednesday.

"When she called me Tuesday to confirm, God, I practically melted," Colfield said. "Chirpy, flirty, but professional. I was thinking, blond, 120, maybe a belly-button ring. Plus, her voice had this slightly tawdry lilt that hinted she was the type who might not be averse to an after-work cocktail, if you know what I mean."

However, when the 20-year-old college sophomore arrived Wednesday afternoon, Colfield said his fantasies were dashed. "I was thinking, 'Whoa, lay off the fried foods, babe.' You know, little on the heavy side, with a high forehead and man-hands."

Four-hour Spice Channel block ruined by premature ejaculation

Local man Joseph Hummel lamented spending $7.95 for a four-hour block of Spice Channel Tuesday after a premature ejaculation that left him with three hours and 45 minutes of suddenly unarousing pornographic movies left over.

"When that threesome scene with Sylvia Saint, Kobe Tai and Peter North came on just 15 minutes in, I knew it was all over," the 33-year-old said. "Usually I can hold out through the third hour, and by the fourth you're pretty exhausted anyway. Thing is, now I feel kind of obligated to watch because I paid eight bucks for it."

Hummel spent the next 3 1/2 hours flipping between Spice and an "America's Funniest Home Videos" marathon.