Agnes Fliff

Thursday, May 22, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

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Facts on William Bennett

Does being a high-stakes gambler make virtues maven Bill Bennett a hypocrite?

This is yet another example of the liberal media running amok. William Bennett is an upright and principled man. He doesn't deserve to be crucified like he has been. And I'm not speaking merely as a giggly fan. I know the real person, because after a particularly cruel slot bender he eats breakfast off my chest in his Bellagio penthouse. He's been doing it for years and is always gracious and apologizes profusely when he gets syrup in my eye or stubs out his spliff in my navel.

Will his gambling affect his standing in the conservative community?

When most guys get a hankering to eat breakfast off a woman's naked body, they hire a hooker. But Big Bill doesn't condone prostitution. Besides, most streetwalkers lack the muscle control to keep the coffee warm through an entire meal. That requires a strenuous regimen of Kegel exercises, which is why Bill sought out a freelance performance artist specializing in erotic theater like me. I consider it an honor to be treated like Fiesta ware by this gentle, considerate slot jockey. Plus, he's promised me a role in an upcoming snuff film he's directing.

Shouldn't morality be a matter of individual choice?

And I'm not the only one who has witnessed his acts of kindness. Whenever he brings teen runaways back to the room to wrestle in white cotton panties, he's very reluctant to call fouls. Even when the infractions like nipple-twisting or ass-biting are obvious, he lets the action continue. That kind of trust builds character.