You can reach the author at basementfiles@hotmail.com

Thursday, May 22, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Basement Files: Letter to the editor

To: Geoff Schumacher

Editor, Las Vegas Mercury

Dear Geoff,

Spurred by the recent journalism scandal at the New York Times, I've taken the liberty of reviewing some of my freelance features for the Las Vegas Mercury. In going over my notes, I've spotted a handful of troublesome stories that might need correction. No offense, Geoff, but a lot of this is stuff you should have spotted. I'm not saying you need to step down immediately (that's up to your boss, of course), but I think a lengthy and sober letter of apology to the readers is probably unavoidable. It's my theory that if you're honest about your failings, people will forgive you. Over time.

Okay, so here's some of the stuff I found.

"A Gift for Sydney"

Three-part series

March-April 2001

This must have seemed like a gift from God when it came across your desk in the Merc's early days. I mean, this is just the kind of award-winning feature that can put a struggling independent weekly on the map. I took the Mercury readers on an intensely personal journey as I grappled with the decision to donate a kidney to my beautiful little niece.

Although a heroic story, it didn't always paint me in the best light. Maybe it was that unflinching quality that hooked you in. I was very honest about the conflicting and often selfish emotions that colored my life-affirming generosity. I mean, if I could live with just one kidney, why couldn't Sydney? She's a lot younger and hasn't yet discovered the smoky pleasures of bourbon.

That kind of soul-bearing honesty can beguile a good editor. I can see that now. But you had to know it wasn't true. I don't even have a niece and I certainly wouldn't give one a kidney. I think you let a thirst for advertising revenue talk you into something here, Geoff. I mean, come on, her name rhymes with the organ she needs? What are the chances of that? And I had "renal" and "hepatic" confused for the first two parts of the series. That didn't set off any alarms? Did you even check my references before you hired me?

You screwed the pooch on this one, my friend. You probably need to say something to the people who sent in donations. I threw their cards away and there's no way to match contributions with individual donors. And as for the bands who volunteered for the "Sydney's Kidneys Benefit," just say you totally understand their anger. In a sense, we're all victims here.

"Diary of Mob Boss"

Two-part series

June 2001

I'm still amazed that Steve Wynn's legal staff didn't contact you about this one. He's a public figure and all, but this shit was clearly libelous. In fairness, you were under a lot of pressure. We were brand new and CityLife was kicking our ass. You had to take some chances if the Merc was gonna survive. No one's blaming you there. But if you had really pressed me on my sources, I totally would have caved. This one's on you.

"Let's Tuck and Roll: How I Survived Flight 93"

September 2001

Deadline pressure can do some funny things to a man. You gotta admit, it was pretty goddamn gripping. I should do more of this first-person narrative stuff. An abuse of trust? Maybe. But I'm pretty sure the flight manifest is public information. Hire a fact checker or quit pointing fingers.

"Las Vegas Trophy Wives"

March 2002

This piece started with a simple idea. No, wait, that was the novel I never finished. Okay, this piece started out with me taking a bunch of Vicodin. Anyway, I never worked as a masseur at this particular day spa and none of these women ever paid to have sex with me. Sometimes, Geoff, when you and I are talking on the phone and my speech is all slurred, it's like you don't want to know the truth. Maybe you need to take a hard look inside at some pretty scary things.

"Half Life: The Lance Burton Murders"

Two-part series

August 2002

It looks like you may have ruined a good man's career with this one, chief. I say we run a correction that says, "Lance Burton is not a serial killer who preys on beautiful, vulnerable women and exploits their desperate desire to break into the shadowy world of Las Vegas show business." It turns out that most of those chicks who get sawed in half go on to live full and productive lives. Who knew?

Look, of course I got it wrong. It was my first trip to Vegas. But you grew up here. You could have tipped me off to the whole "illusion" thing. Oh, and that woman whose torso I quoted as saying, "Sure, I can wiggle my toes, but I won't feel whole until I have my legs backÉ" Well, she wasn't so much a single woman, as a composite of six or seven magicians' assistants I never got around to interviewing. Maybe we should rethink the whole "anonymous source" thing. I think you've got a tendency to misuse it.

"A Life Sentence: Merc Freelancer Faces Cancer with Courage"

Six-part series

January-February 2003

In reviewing my notes, it appears I never actually had cancer. Which is good, because with just one kidney, I would have been more prone to opportunistic infections. Haven't you always wanted to be one of those beloved columnists who details his chemo regimen with grace and humor? And while he's still the same old irascible cuss, you can see how this brush with mortality is softening him a little. It's pretty powerful stuff, Geoff. But didn't you wonder why my hair never fell out? Man, how do you keep your job?