Thursday, May 29, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Torch-wielding villagers storm castle of Erin Kenny

With their fear, suspicion and hatred reaching a boiling point, thousands of Las Vegas villagers stormed the castle of Erin Kenny Friday to drive the infernal she-beast from the land.

Wielding torches and pitchforks, the peasants surrounded the suspected witch's hilltop lair, shouting for the "wily sorceress" to come out and face justice. Friday's unrest marked the peak of years of simmering tensions, as villagers have lived for years under the blight of Kenny's malignant, hateful presence.

"Show yourself, craven succubus!" shouted villager Kenneth Billigan, hefting a scythe. "I defy you to show us your loathsome visage! For too long you have fouled our hamlet with your unholy magicks, and the time for an accounting is nigh!"

The villagers then forced open the drawbridge and stormed Kenny's gloomy fortress, setting fire to tapestries and splintering furniture. A group of peasants later emerged with a struggling, screaming Kenny atop their shoulders. The damned monstrosity was burned at the stake, breaking the dark curse that for too long had kept the land in thrall.

Senate approves Whirlwind Of Ca$h machine in every home

WASHINGTON--Making President Bush's proposed economic stimulus package a reality, the Senate voted 51-49 Thursday for the installation of Whirlwind of Ca$h machines in households across America.

Bush hailed the bill's passage, saying the game-show cash machines--PlexiGlas capsules whirling with $20 and $100 bills--will encourage people to spend money and thereby create jobs.

"This bill will benefit millions of hard-working, middle-income Americans," Bush said. "This means that 92 million workers will keep an average of $1,083 of their own money, and even more if they make it to the Krazy Kash bonus round, in which American can-do attitude is tested as contestants must grab at least $500 in 30 seconds."

The bill was passed amid strong criticism from Democrats, who characterized the tax cut as Bush pandering during an election year. Bush balked at the criticism, adding that he was also authoring a bill to put tutu-wearing bears on unicycles in every American living room.

Salesman tries to steer fat girl away from convertible purchase

Using the subtle code phrases developed by his professional brethren, Crown Chrysler salesman Jeff Gallison spent the better part of two hours Tuesday trying to discourage an overweight customer from buying a convertible.

"Yep, it's one beautiful car," Gallison said as 195-pound customer Tara McMahon eyed the racy 2003 PT Cruiser. "Beautiful and deadly, I'm afraid. With a convertible like this, you're one step away from a motorcycle in terms of head trauma and spinal cord injury."

As McMahon lowered herself into the driver's seat of the showroom car, a terrified Gallison said, "This top here is manual and very difficult to get seated unless you've got a ton of upper-body strength. And, naturally, without a roof, you lose a lot of body stiffness, which makes hard cornering little more than a death wish."

When McMahon insisted on a test drive, Gallison tried his last desperate gambit. "You're awfully exposed in a car like this," Gallison said. "To the elements, I mean. The skin cancer rate among convertible owners is a national scandal. Whereas I could get you in a perfectly safe Outlander or Galant for about $6,000 less."

Sunkist named official sponsor of orange threat level

SHERMAN OAKS, Calif.--As part of an innovative public-private partnership to tackle the war on terror, Sunkist was named the official sponsor of the orange threat level Tuesday.

The raising of the threat level to orange, or high, will be accompanied by a round of promotions for and discounts on Sunkist's citrus products.

"Whenever the threat level is raised to orange, and Americans feel that first pang of bowel-clenching dread upon being reminded their homeland will forever be under siege by radical Islamists, we want them to also think of the fresh-squeezed goodness that Sunkist brings to the breakfast table," said President and CEO Jeff Gargiulo. "You may not survive a mass bioterror attack on the New York subway, but a diet that includes plenty of antioxidant-packed, fiber-rich citrus fruits guarantees you'll be one of the last victims standing."