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Mort!

By Mortimer Larp III, Mercury accountant

Ah, spring is in the air, dear readers! Flowers are blooming, the very air tingles with a sense of renewal, and department stores are inundating us with ads for seasonal sales. Why, I even think the Clark County Commission is slashing its prices. According to the sandwich board she's been wearing, commission Chairwoman Mary Kincaid-Chauncey is running a three-favors-for-$10,000 special that lasts through next week. Strip club honchos, don't delay!

Speaking of which, Mort has been appalled as these disturbing allegations about our elected officials have surfaced in recent weeks. How could they stoop so low? Ever seeking the nourishing light of information, I decided to do some investigative reporting of my own, and visited Cheetahs to truly understand the gravity of these allegations. Oh, my virgin eyeballs have never seen such acts of depravity! My virgin ears have never heard Def Leppard's "Sugar" so many times! Among the sights: City Councilman Michael Mack trying to slip dimes in a stripper's garter...Erin Kenny in the dressing room talking with dancers--not about unionizing, but about her upcoming audition at the club since her political career took a nosedive...also noticed quite a few strippers afflicted with this weird, tumor-like parasite latched onto their bodies...oh, wait, that was Dario Herrera. Finally, I saw Michael McDonald relaxing in the VIP room. "I'm just here as a witness!" he said. But lemme tell you, the stuff going on downstairs is nothing compared with the steamy goings-on in the surveillance room. I watched videotaped shenanigans that would make Robin Leach blush. Without revealing too much, let's just say that as far as Michael Mack is concerned, if the pawn shop biz doesn't work out, he might want to call Vivid adult video--'cause these are some very promising audition tapes!

By the time the night was over--wallet empty, left pocket strangely full...what is that?--I felt so...so...dirty inside. And sticky on the outside--Lance Malone got a little messy with his whip cream fantasy dance. He's probably the worst off in this whole controversy. Universally loathed, his very name a curse, abhorred by his biggest supporters. He's like the fourth Dixie Chick.

Didja catch the exciting "American Idol" finale? What a show! Sources tell me they're already gearing up for next season, with the bulk of the demo tapes coming from a very desperate Michael Jackson. Yeah, apparently the King of Pop's lavish lifestyle has put him on the edge of bankruptcy. I'm not surprised, especially after an insider passed along one of Jackson's grocery lists. Among the items: two giraffes, four roller coasters, one set of performing monkeys, 7,000 lollipops, 10,000 gallons of Rocky Road ice cream, Power Rangers costumes...sheesh, I wanna see his neighborhood Vons. Say what you will about Jackson, though, I'm still a fan of his music. As people so often say about yours truly, he's pretty fly--for a white guy. Ciao!