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Thursday, October 02, 2003 Basement Files: Bush girls
With their father's popularity waning and both of them stranded in liberal enclaves, Jenna and Barbara Bush lean on each other for support now more than ever. At least once a week, the president's daughters call each other to talk about college, politics and the strain of the unwanted spotlight.
JENNA: Hello? BARB: Do you LOVE these new Karl Rove phones? JENNA: Oh, hi, Baboo. Yeah, I guess. BARB: When you called me last week, the caller ID said "Call Encrypted." Isn't that cool? We could totally say anything and it's all number-jumbled. JENNA: I guess. BARB: What's the matter? You sound all down. JENNA: I don't know. It's just...Mom called last night and she was like all over me. BARB: What'd she say? JENNA: It's not what she said, it's just...I hate how she calls and pretends like she's all interested in how college is going but all she's really doing is che... BARB: Checking to see if we're drinking? JENNA: Totally. She's all, "Did you go to that Sig Ep party last night? Did you have fun? Did you meet some nice boys?" And then, like it's some big afterthought, she says, "Was there beer served?" And you know that's what she's been dying to ask the whole time. BARB: I know. JENNA: And I'm like, "No, Mom, it was a fraternity party, so we had a raspberry cordial before the salad course and a hearty port in lieu of dessert." I mean, come on. BARB: I know, but she loves you, Jen. JENNA: Or she'll say, "How was your date last Thursday? Did the two of you go to a restaurant?" And you can tell that restaurant is just a code word for bar. And I'm like, "Yeah, Mom, I had a couple cocktails, but you know what I didn't do? I didn't run a stop sign and kill my boyfriend." BARB: OH MY GOD! You did NOT say that? JENNA: No, but I'm going to one of these days. I'm serious. I'm tired of it. BARB: Jesus, Dad would kill you. You know we're never supposed to mention the "incident." JENNA: Well, here's the deal. If Mom's little baggage is off-limits, how about we leave Jen's responsible drinking off the table? BARB: She just wants the best for us, I guess. JENNA: I know, but I don't get the double standard. I mean, what's the big deal with a couple of drinks? Dad was a total boozehound and now he's like...president. I don't think a couple of Jell-O shooters is like gonna ruin my life. BARB: That's true. JENNA: I'm sorry, but it's a little hard being a Bush and thinking that a few youthful indiscretions are gonna like way ruin my future. Let's not be na•ve, Baboo. BARB: Well, okay, but what about cousin Noelle? I mean, she got into all those drugs and now she's in big trouble. JENNA: How is she in big trouble? That bitch oughta be in jail and she's kicking it in cushy rehab. And you know she'll end up marrying some pharmaceutical baron and then he'll magically be awarded the exclusive contract for the entire Iraqi drug market. That's just how this shit works. BARB: Yeah, and those fuckers are gonna need sedatives and antidepressants for years. JENNA: Exactly. BARB: But, still, you gotta admit, ever since Noelle started taking drugs, her skin's all gross. JENNA: Well, that's true. I saw her at that Heritage Foundation dinner last year and I could not believe the size of her pores. I kept expecting little prairie dogs to stick their heads out of them. BARB: Oh my God, that is so mean. JENNA: Well, I'm sorry, but how can you get to be Noelle's age and not know about Biotherm? BARB: Can you even get Biotherm in rehab? We should send her a Hydra-Detox Masque. Or maybe some cleansing foam. JENNA: I already sent her a card and this really pretty... BARB: I know. Mom heard about it and she's all pissed. JENNA: What? I sent flowers. BARB: I know, Jenna, but you sent poppies. JENNA: So? BARB: Well, you know...poppies...heroin? JENNA: No. BARB: Well, Mom just thought it was kind of insensitive, you know, sending drug flowers to a rehab center. JENNA: Oh, Christ. BARB: Anyway, the rehab center confiscated them, so...no harm done. JENNA: Oh, right, but now I don't even get credit for sending flowers, which so totally sucks. Did they at least give her my card? BARB: Umm... JENNA: WHAT? BARB: Well, it was on hemp paper. JENNA: God, that is SO unfair. You try to recycle and liberals just shit all over you. BARB: I know. JENNA: I'm sorry. I know I'm cranky, but everybody's being so mean about Dad around here. BARB: Oh my God, here too. JENNA: Last week, I walk out onto the South Mall and there's this group of angry people. Well, I just know immediately that they're gonna be screaming mean shit about Dad, so I try to walk right by them. But suddenly there's this loud cheer and I stop and see that they're burning this straw figure of Dad. BARB: Are you serious? JENNA: Totally. And it's not very nice seeing your dad get burned. I mean, maybe it's okay if you're one of those Koresh kids, but I happen to like my dad. BARB: I know. It's way unfair. JENNA: It's like this war is totally ruining my social life. I try to go to parties and people are like, "Oh, your dad's a total fascist warmonger." BARB: I get that all the time. What is a monger, anyway? JENNA: I think it's somebody who sells something. BARB: Oh, right, like a Bush is gonna end up in sales. Please. |
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