Thursday, October 23, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

USDA unveils 'food decahedron'

WASHINGTON--Hoping to incorporate a wealth of new--and sometimes conflicting--information about what constitutes a healthy diet, the U.S. Department of Agriculture issued its new "food guide decahedron" Monday. The new figure will replace the USDA's food guide pyramid, which officials said "fails to capture the subtleties and nuances of modern diet choices."

The new 10-sided figure "is an excellent, easy-to-follow guide to healthy eating, whether you're an Atkins dieter, a vegan, a lacto-ovo vegetarian, on a modified-carbohydrate-intake plan, on a no-sugar diet, or are allergic to wheat-gluten or are lactose-intolerant," said Agriculture Secretary Dan Glick.

"With the food decahedron," added Glick, "Americans finally have a straightforward yardstick to guide them to what they've convinced themselves are healthy food choices."

Auxiliary pope deployed

John Paul II's health declining; backup pontiff activated

VATICAN CITY--In response to Pope John Paul II's declining health, the Vatican deployed its rarely used auxiliary pope Wednesday to cover for the ailing, 83-year-old leader of the Roman Catholic Church for the next few weeks.

"Considering the delicate state of our Holy See's health, we have always thought it wise to have a backup in case of events such as these," said Vatican spokesman Cardinal Alfredo Ponetti.

He pulled a lever and pushed a red button, rousing the backup "pope-a-tron" from its dormant state.

"When the pontiff is in ill health, God's work of holding masses and dispensing blessings cannot be put on hold," Ponetti said.

As the auxiliary pope's eyes flickered open, Ponetti commanded, "Popebot, in the name of Our Father, you are hereby instructed to complete the beatification mass for Mother Teresa immediately."

The auxiliary pope later blessed some lepers and consecrated a new church before running out of gas.

Meeting called to discuss secretary's new hairstyle

Management and staff of Allied Computer Sales gathered for an emergency meeting Thursday to discuss the horror of secretary Mary Patterson's new hairstyle and to plan the company's response to its crippling aftershocks, sources said.

Allied President Stan Crittendon scheduled the meeting after news of Patterson's horrifying makeover had spread throughout the corporate complex. "I assume by now you've all seen Mary's absurd frosted highlights," Crittendon said to his shaken employees. "I know we're all shocked and saddened by this senseless tragedy."

"I'm open to any ideas about how best to respond to this ugly and avoidable incident," Crittendon said. "But the main thing here is showing a unified front. Whether we politely compliment the new look, or someone takes her aside to explain how stupid she looks, we all have to be on the same page."

After a 27-13 vote in favor of paying Patterson subdued compliments but moving her temporarily out of the main reception area, Crittendon added, "By the way, neither of the delivery guys has seen Mary yet. So if you see them first, you might give 'em a little heads up."

Eye contact followed by fist contact

Eye contact was followed by fist contact Friday at an eastern Las Vegas bar, injuring one.

The incident began when unemployed construction worker Mike Ballard met the eye of fellow After Hours Pub patron Bill Petrewski and asked what he was looking at.

When Petrewski said he was currently staring at a "drunk sack of shit," Ballard followed his initial eye contact with sustained fist contact. Ballard's fist contact was later followed by police nightstick contact and, later, holding cell contact.