Thursday, October 23, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Goldberg: Your book festival guide

By Tod Goldberg

In honor of the second annual Vegas Valley Book Festival--and really, in honor of me because this column does bare my name and I really don't honor myself as much as I should, or at least as much as I did during the halcyon summer of '87 when unscrambled porn came in loud and clear into my TV--I thought I might take some time to help you figure out how to focus your literary attention these next few days while pointing out some general acts of decorum one should follow. Sadly, you've already missed Clive Cussler's appearance, which is interesting because I didn't know he was still alive, but, hey, I didn't know V.C. Andrews was alive, either and she (he?) seems to have a new book out as often as 2Pac has a new single.

Anyway, this is an exciting opportunity for you to meet some real live authors, so don't fuck it up by being unprepared: Snip this out and carry it around for easy reference. Here's what you need to know:

1. I'll be making at least three scheduled appearances--one on Friday and two on Saturday. You'll want to buy as many copies of my L.A. Times Book Prize-losing novel Living Dead Girl as possible beforehand. You can pretty much avoid Fake Liar Cheat because it's not as good and because the title page has a funny layout that makes it hard for me to sign my name with any kind of flourish. Also, last year someone totally forgot to order my books and I nearly got into a fistfight with a Borders employee, so, yeah, he might be looking for me this year and I don't want to have to brawl in front of my throngs of fans. So buy your books early and bring bats in case we gotta get busy.

2. My older brother Lee will also be in attendance. He's nine years older than me, which means if you look at him closely you'll get an approximate idea of how I'll look in my early 40s. Here are some interesting facts about Lee: Lee used to make me smell his sweaty armpits. Lee once made me go to a Star Trek convention. Lee never took me to the arcade and he always said he would. Lee has had personal conversations with Rick Springfield. Lee's wife, Valerie, yelled at me one year ago today for showing up late to their house the night before Lee and I were going to fly to Las Vegas for the first Vegas Valley Book Festival; Lee apologized for that.

3. Talking to an author can be a daunting task. You feel like they can see into your soul via the compelling words they write, you assign them a magnetic power because they've moved you and you think they are beings with superior insight into the human condition and, thus, you need to be slightly afraid while speaking to them.

Well, you're right.

Now, then, say you see Aimee Bender and Mary Yukari Waters walking around the festival grounds and you want to open up a line of dialogue. What do you say? What don't you say? A quick primer:

Don't hand them your manuscript. They don't have time to read it and, most likely, they really don't want to. Think of it this way, would you hand Mr. Honda your new design for a car?

Do ask them questions about their stories and about their writing process--this is your chance to really learn something, kinda like "Behind the Music" but with authors.

Don't ask if they've ever written anything you might have read. Imagine if they showed up at your glorious little corporate job and asked you why you've never amounted to shit.

Do find out whom they like to read, who has influenced them and what they think about me, Tod Goldberg. People love to answer questions about me, so, yeah, make it a point to find out how utterly kick-ass I am.

4. Buy some goddamned books. I know, I know, you read the Mercury because it's free and alternative and speaks to your indie soul and all those books and authors are pawns for big corporations and who needs to buy books when you can read 'em all at Borders for nothing and besides, it's not about buying books, it's about the words, man, the words and about the death of irony and existentialism and how when Bukowski went, man, the art died. Well, news flash: In about 15 minutes you'll find out Sigur Rios is just The Cure with better hair and that you're 30 and don't have a single new thought about the world. That's where books come in. Yes, my books are published by a multinational corporation. Yes, I sell my work for money. So do Dave Eggers and Neil Gaiman and Toni Morrison and everyone else you idolize, because that's our job, how we eat and pay our bills. For one week, please honor the fine writers who've donated their time to this event by purchasing one of their books. You won't regret it.
Tod Goldberg's latest novel, Living Dead Girl, is in bookstores.

Find out whom they like to read, who has influenced them and what they think about me, Tod Goldberg.