Agnes Fliff

Thursday, October 23, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

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Facts on Rush Limbaugh's addiction

How did Rush Limbaugh become a drug addict?

It's important to differentiate between people who choose to become crazed drug fiends--methheads, crack whores and anyone related to Ozzy Osbourne--and those who are forced into the life because of a medical condition. The Maha Rushie has suffered from crippling pain most of his life, from the anal cyst that kept him out of Vietnam to a spine so twisted and deformed he can barely get through 3-4 rounds of golf per week. And let's not forget that the poor schlub went deaf.

Didn't the drug abuse cause his deafness?

Huh? I can't hear you. Ha ha! Sorry, I can never pass up a good disability gag.

If these were prescription medications, why didn't Limbaugh get them from a doctor?

Because the Democrats have screwed up our health care system so thoroughly, the only alternative the average person has is to turn their private housekeeper into a drug mule.

Why is OxyContin, Rush's drug of choice, known as "hillbilly heroin"?

Moonshiners stumbled upon the original recipe. It was brewed up in a still and injected, after tying off the arm using baling wire, with a corncob syringe. The user experiences a sense of euphoria, like they have all their teeth.

Limbaugh has checked himself into a treatment center. What are those places like?

Speaking from experience--I was a candystriper at the Keith Moon Detox Spa and Compound--they are not as plush as you might imagine. After an intense regimen of verbal abuse and coffee enemas, clients are given the tools to control themselves and their environment. Intense bonds are formed between clients and staff, but like all aspects of addiction, these are fragile if not strengthened on the outside. I chest-thumped Dennis Hopper back to life twice and now the sonofabitch won't even front me $20,000 for a butt lift, which I totally need to keep my hostessing job at Applebee's. That skank Tanya is so gunning for me.