Thursday, September 25, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Bush to make historic tailhook landing on Gen. Wesley Clark

WASHINGTON--Aiming to duplicate the fanfare of his arrival aboard the USS Lincoln in a Navy S-3B Viking, President Bush is planning a similar tailhook landing on Democratic presidential candidate Gen. Wesley Clark, according to internal memos.

The memos divulge that next month's landing will evoke the same "military grandeur" and "unflagging confidence" as May's famous stunt. Bush will be flown in the same Navy S-3B Viking and will make the same dramatic landing maneuver atop Clark at the University of Iowa, where the former NATO commander is scheduled to give a speech.

"After the Viking makes a full stop to the strains of 'America the Beautiful,' the president will exit the plane in triumph, waving to supporters as he announces his bid for re-election," the memo says. "Upon seeing the fallen body of Gen. Clark, the president will then declare an end to major election conflicts."

The president is scheduled later that day to drive a tractor over Sen. John Edwards in Montana.

Cell phone used to avoid eye contact with homeless man

Hoping to appear distracted rather than heartless, Las Vegas resident Ken Staunton cleverly used his inactive cell phone as a prop to avoid eye contact with a homeless man pleading for spare change outside a 7-Eleven.

"I saw the guy on the way in, but he didn't address me because was busy cadging money off these tourists," Staunton recounted Tuesday. "But I knew I might not get that lucky on the way out. So the whole time I was shopping I plotted a strategy for avoiding the whole pathetic give-and-take."

As Staunton emerged from the store, he wedged the cell phone between his jaw and shoulder, carrying on an imaginary conversation, while also pretending to isolate his car key on his sterling silver key ring.

"I knew the phone thing would definitely keep us from making eye contact, but I was worried he might call out after me anyway," Staunton said. "So about four steps out of the door, I start shouting orders to a business associate, trying to sound especially irritated with his incompetence. If you can summon just the right tone of anger, these guys will back off."

Bong named

Area man Will Kroger marked a new level of commitment to his marijuana habit by naming his bong Thursday, giving the monicker "Ol' Felix Greenmeister" to the water-filtered device.

"You know, it's like I see that thing every day after I get off from Home Depot, and it just felt way too impersonal going, 'Hey, bong, my friend, how you doing?' So I figured I'd try to bring a certain level of intimacy to the whole thing, you know?"

The 37-year-old feels giving the bong an identity has added zest to his nightly ritual of smoking several ounces of marijuana and then microwaving a turkey pot pie.

"I'm not saying Mr. Greenmeister has a soul or anything like that," Kroger said. "But I mean, if I were a bong, I'd feel like there weren't many cooler names than Ol' Felix Greenmeister. Ain't that right, pal?"

Kroger then affectionately chucked the bong where its chin might be.