Mercury World Report

Clarke claims White House had advance warning of Scooby Doo 2

WASHINGTON--Continuing his blistering testimony to a special Senate panel, former counterterrorism chief Richard Clarke testified Wednesday that the White House had advance warning of Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, but failed to take any action.

"I believe the Bush administration considered Scooby Doo 2 an important issue, but not an urgent issue," he told the panel. "Yet, all the warning signs were there: The first Scooby Doo was certainly no blockbuster, but it grossed more than $270 million, guaranteeing Warner Bros. was in for a sequel."

The counterterrorism expert charged that had the White House "connected the dots," it could have prevented what he characterized as "one of the worst acts of terror on American shores. Millions of innocent people were victimized by an inane plot, cartoonishly amateur acting and crude product tie-ins. I, for one, apologize. We failed America."

Goodman blames red nose, watery eyes on allergies

Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman continued to insist Thursday that his red nose, watery eyes and slurred speech were due to allergies.

"Sheesh, these mulberries and olive trees are just killing my sinuses," Goodman said, sniffing and stumbling dramatically as he walked through his office at City Hall. "What's the pollen count up to today, 12? Thirteen? Jesus, feels like a million. I'm telling you, these allergies of mine are just awful, just terrible."

Goodman added that the sharp smell of alcohol was just "a special prescription allergy medicine" he's taking for his condition.

The mayor's allergies later caused him to dance on a table in the employee break room and bum a cigarette off his secretary.

Early-morning RIAA dorm raid liberates 500 downloaded songs

HUMBOLDT, Calif.--In a daring, early-morning raid Monday, RIAA soldiers stormed a campus dorm at Humboldt University, liberating more than 500 downloaded songs, the Recording Industry Association of America said.

Thirteen file-sharers were detained, one of whom was shot when he waved at soldiers what appeared to be an iPod. Two more suspected militant downloaders who were on the RIAA's most-wanted list were also taken into custody.

The raid was part of a campaign involving more than 300 RIAA soldiers, who swept through the Humboldt campus before dawn in a search for suspected Internet music downloaders. The two-hour raid also netted some free porn passwords and sophomore Carl Luden's sociology paper.

Valentine's Day 'bath basket' still unopened

Though assured by the saleslady that any woman would "absolutely love" an assortment of scented bath oils for Valentine's Day, Las Vegas resident Chris Daniels can't help noticing that his wife has yet to open, much less use, the $90 "Luxury Indulgence Bath Basket."

For more than a month now, the gift basket, a collection of bath salts, sponges, moisturizing sugars and exfoliants, has sat entombed in cellophane and raffia in the couple's bathroom cabinet. "I don't get it," Daniels said. "The lady at Sephora said Maggie would love to pamper herself with all this expensive shit. That sugar crap alone was 30 bucks."

While granting the generosity of the gifts, Maggie Daniels admitted the very expense of the basket had fueled her resentment of it. "It's just such a lazy, last-minute kind of gift," she fumed. "Candy, flowers and bath crap are the last, desperate resort for the unimaginative husband. And since Chris didn't put any thought into it, he overspent to compensate.

"There are any number of things I would have liked for a third of the cost," Maggie said, "but those would require actually paying attention to what I like. And since that's beyond Chris' ability, he's welcome to soak in the fucking eucalyptus-rose oil."