Goldberg: Best of 2004 (so far)

By Tod Goldberg

In two weeks, I'll be officially indebted to the United States of America in an amount normally reserved for car purchases, weddings and small-scale kidnapping ransoms. No matter how many times I go over the raw data, no matter how many times my accountant tells me to actually pay those estimated quarterly taxes, I end up waiting until the very end and then, with crushing efficiency, I check the box that indicates I'd like to go on a payment plan, which effectively ends all my spending for the next three months. With the knowledge that for the next 90 days I'll be sequestered in my home forced to steal music from the Internet, beg for free books from publishers and eat exclusively from my own pantry, I present to you the best things in my world from the first quarter of our year of the Lord 2004:

Best Book That Made Me Realize I'm Totally Out of Touch With Kids Today: Generation S.L.U.T. (Pocket Books/MTV) by Marty Beckerman. Marty is a 21-year-old college student with two books under his belt, an ongoing war of words with Salon.com to his credit, and a long line of interviews where he talks about his dick, his girlfriend and his dick, and, well, a lot of other things with his dick. But here's the thing: Marty's book is pretty interesting and well written, he's awfully nice and, shit, he's 21. When I was 21, I talked a lot about my dick, too. After reading his book, I e-mailed Marty and told him to stop talking about his dick and let his book stand for itself and then realized, much to my horror, that I was now the kind of guy who told kids to stop talking about their dicks.

The Single Best Piece of Fan Fiction I've Read This Year: A few months ago, I wrote a column about people writing fan fiction; subsequently, I've been on a nonstop search for the most bizarre entry into this sordid world. I've read "Diagnosis Murder" fan fiction that includes a near-anal rape of a main character. I've even read "Star Trek" slash fiction, which illuminates a dimension to Sulu's sometimes contemptuous relationship with Capt. Kirk in a rather, uh, prickly fashion. But it wasn't until I happened upon Lance Bass fan fiction that I truly understood what it means to love. See for yourself: www.amyk.nu/jlbff/index2.html.

Best Conversation I've Had With a Countrywide Home Loans Customer Service Rep:

Me: There's a bunch of fees on my mortgage that weren't there before and no one seems to know why they are there. They've transferred me to you. Can you help me?

Customer Service: It looks like we failed to charge you for Internet payments on your account beginning in June of 2002.

Me: For $500?

Customer Service: I guess so.

Me: No, that's not true. I've got bank statements that show they went through. And they just appeared this month.

Customer Service: I really don't know what they are, actually. It's not my department.

Me: Then why did you tell me it was Internet charges? What if I had said, "Okay, I believe you," and paid it? What then?

Customer Service: I don't understand what you're asking. I'm not qualified to answer that.

Best Reasons I Had Not to Leave the House With Said Fees: "Deadwood"; "The Sopranos"; Cottonwood by Scott Phillips; Pistol Poets by Victor Gischler; a new movie starring DMX that one of my former students is in, wherein she has sex with DMX, which is, yeah, not something I want to see.

Best Conversation I've Had With My Local Ford Dealer:

Me: The window regulator on the back passenger side of my Explorer is broken. It has broken in every single car I've purchased or leased from you, which would be four in the last five years. And I understand it will cost $400 to replace it, correct?

Ford: Yes, sir.

Me: Don't you think it might be a factory defect if it systematically breaks in all the cars Ford and Lincoln makes?

Ford: I don't really know, sir.

Me: I mean, just person to person here, what do you think?

Ford: I don't think anything. Cars break. You have to keep up the service.

Me: I do. I'm here every 3,000 miles. You've performed all the services right here. Yet it still breaks. In my Explorer, in my Lincoln, over and over again. Weird, isn't it?

Ford: Are you going to wait for your car or would you like the shuttle to take you home?

Best Google Search String That Inexplicably Led Someone to My Website: "Of course my Jewish dad wanted to tell me he had slept with his Catholic wife but knowing I was just a little boy my Jewish dad thought it was better the way he had told me the first time when he slept with a cat." You gotta wonder how fucked up this guy's family life is, until you consider that somehow those words, when combined together in Google, get you TodGoldberg.com, which leads me to believe government debt should be the least of my concerns.