Mort!

News flash! Condi Rice begs forgiveness before 9/11 commish!...Dick Cheney admits to role in being "smug prick"!...Weeping Pat Mulroy gives up well-worn growth rubber stamp!...Bob Beers admits public education not necessarily malignant Marxist plot!...Gays win right to marry; focus on developing appreciation for light beer!...Courtney Love finds home in new zoo exhibit!...April Fool!

Eh. It's sad when a satirical gossip column has to pretend momentary sanity to approximate zany April Fools' scenarios, isn't it? Fortunately, Mort's got a few good tricks up his sleeve to lift his spirits this week...take, for instance, the whoopee cushion filled with tacks and rubbing alcohol, awaiting Chip Maxfield's all-too-complacent rump...or the bucket perched above Lynn Hettrick's office door, filled with Mrs. Larp's homemade concoction of school vouchers, wood glue and gravy...and what do you think Mayor Oscar Goodman could possibly find in his bed to make him howl in pajama-soiling terror? Not a horse head, but a homeless guy. Muahaha! Then, watch as Goodman attempts to flee, only to discover on the other side of his bed...Marzette Lewis! Now, if only those Nevada Power rate hikes were a prank and not an abhorrent, nightmarish reality...

Joking aside, between the ongoing Iraq war and the unfolding 9/11 commission, we're living in some serious times. But heck, it is kinda fun watching President Bush on the defensive. Sources tell me the commander in chief is apparently shell-shocked by the crumbling of his credibility on the Iraq war; shuddering in a catatonic state, covered in a filthy blanket, Bush spends his evenings staring into space, squawking "Iraq!" like a parrot whenever anyone says anything to him. Oh well. At least it frees up President Dick Cheney to do his job of awarding outrageous energy contracts to cronies and spit-roasting children.

Oh, and then there's the Mars trip, the importance of which seems more and more dubious to me. I can only hope they're gonna discover a magical red space rock that will zap the federal deficit, fix Social Security and maybe even have a special mineral supplement to make Laura Bush do something besides stand there all the time and grin like a Mayberry automaton. You know, if we could somehow get her and Courtney Love in a centrifuge, we might just end up with a well-adjusted woman--with four boobs to boot!

In other news, I still haven't seen The Passion of the Christ. However, having seen Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed this weekend, I now feel I do have a good understanding of the horrific tortures inflicted upon Jesus. And the Lord sayeth unto you: Ruh-roh!

Ciao!