Basement Files: The Conquistador

Issue: CLXXIV

News in Brief...

It is with regret I must report the dismissal from Serra Academy of Paul Childers, a freshman of some small promise. Shortly before Easter, Mr. Childers noticed a small furuncle suggesting itself on the marmoreal skin of his neck. Childers dutifully reported to the infirmary, where a sample was taken of the boil's effluence. Sadly, lab reports confirmed it was but a common acne pustule. News of the diagnosis was broken to the anguished Childers and he was summarily expelled.

I would remind all students and parents similarly situated to reacquaint themselves with the Serra handbook, where in Chapter 5, Section 3, one may find the unambiguous policy still engraved in the words our founder, Dr. Stodgson: "A blemish on the face is a blemish upon all of Serra tradition. It is the mark of a weak and nervous boy, one uncertain of his place in the world. Such a creature is to be granted comfort, to be sure, but not within the hallowed walls of Serra Academy."

Watch Out Below...

With finals week approaching, nets will once more be installed on the Brandon Lee Memorial Bell Tower. Regrettably, the nets arrive too late for junior Chase Staunton. As you may recall, it was Staunton's repeated stumbling over the ablative that cost Serra a second-place finish in last month's Latin Declension Olympiad in Fresno. Shame proved too great a burden, gravity too great a foe, and young Staunton fell to his death. We are all saddened by the loss, and none more so than the Latin Club, which saw its budget depleted by the expense of high-pressured steam cleaning.

On a related note, it's been suggested that we raise the funds necessary to extend the nets an additional five feet, but at some point I think we need to examine our priorities and perhaps just acknowledge that the late Neil Ingersoll was simply an unusually gifted broad-jumper and let it go at that. What say you?

Giving Back

As part of Serra's community outreach program, the campus played gracious host to a group of inner-city children last weekend. More than 30 "at-risk" youths from the Huey P. Newton Alternative School in Oakland were bused in and allowed to experience for themselves the glories of landscaping. Our own students mingled among them, offering tips on pruning, fertilizing and the proper disposal of refuse. More generously still beats the Serra heart.

Please Step Forward...

Pranksterism has reared its head at Serra and well before the expected flourishing of hijinks that is Senior Week. Sunday last, sophomore Josh Fitzgerald awoke in a bathtub of blood-tinged ice, which, he would later remark, sparkled like Burmese rubies in the morning light. Apparently, one of Fitzgerald's kidneys had been stolen by upperclassmen.

Daunted by his precarious accumulation of 83 demerits, Fitzgerald waited an additional 48 hours in stout silence before reporting to House Matron Gloria Pritchett a "keen and persistent ache." Fitzgerald was helicoptered to San Francisco's St. Luke's Hospital, where staff nephrologist Steven Kinsey (Serra class of '74) writes, "It is an altogether unforgivable escapade, but there is much here which redounds to Serra's credit. First, the lad bore up wonderfully, exhibiting an admirable sang froid when informed of his reduced life expectancy. Second, while the external incision was rushed and jagged, the sutures along the renal vein itself were quite meticulous. This stands as a hearty rebuke to those who would suggest that the standards of Professor Grierson's Animal Dissection Seminar have grown slack in his dotage. So practiced was the hand that should the perpetrator be identified, I would almost certainly consider him for an internship."

As honor has proven too scant an incentive, it is hoped that such a brilliant opportunity might induce our prankster to step forward. Punishment will almost certainly be mitigated by the discovery of the orphaned organ in the faculty breakroom's mini-fridge (glomeruli and Bowman's capsules intact). At Fitzgerald's generous behest, the organ was donated for transplant and, at last report, had found home in a jaundiced Cambodian child (which must call for an exceptionally keen diagnostic eye). Once again, Serra students are making a difference in the world around us!

Sporting News...

The Conquistador soccer team was bested by Chelton Prep last Thursday, bringing our record to an undistinguished 0-7-1. Coach Weaver writes, "Time and again I've told the lads that sweat must anoint the brow before victory will ever deign to kiss it, and yet our efforts seem plodding and half-hearted. To watch Chelton's speedier forwards outpace our fullbacks was to feel as Xerxes must when the agile Greek triremes laid waste to the Persian fleet at Salamis." Yes, well, classical allusions are all good and well, but rest assured I've made clear to Coach Weaver that if Serra alumni are to be insulted with comparisons to Persians, then our next contest had best be Thermopylae.

Happier news indeed comes to us from the Renee Richards Tennis Complex, where Serra's racketmen proved too formidable (by a final score of 5 and 4) for a game squad of swatters from the Middleston Differently Abled Country Day School. No. 1 singles Davis Crawford had little trouble dispatching the Wheelchairmen's Jeff Sizemore, a paraplegic of almost inhuman stamina. Sadly, Middleston's No. 3 singles, Chris Reichel, was forced to withdraw during an especially tense third set when a nylon joint gave way in his prosthesis. Rum luck there, lad.

Tempers flared but briefly when, thrice during the final and deciding match, Serra's own Coach Van Patten called "wheel faults" on the Middleston doubles team of Nguyen and Fonner. We all understand bitter disappointment, but I trust I shall never live to see a Serra man referring to an iron-clad rule as a "technicality."

--Paul Rierson,

Headmaster