Sidebar with Agnes Fliff

Facts on the Bellagio blackout

Why did the power go off at the Bellagio?

An investigation is under way, but the fact that both primary and backup power sources run through a single conduit seems to be a potentially devastating design flaw. Whatever the reason, it sure was freaky being in a 10th floor bathroom ingesting dozens of condoms when it went down.

How were Bellagio guests accommodated during the shutdown?

See, I pick up extra cash as a drug mule. No narcotics. I only mule supplements and snack foods, like powdered tiger testicles and fruit roll-ups, which are both wildly popular in Hong Kong. At the Bellagio I was loading up on "Trojan crepes," rubbers stuffed with recently banned ephedra, when the lights went out. It freaked me and I violated the first rule of muling: I chewed instead of swallowed. Yuck! So there I am in the dark with the taste of condom and weight-loss powder in my mouth. I felt like Richard Simmons.

What steps have been taken to prevent this from happening in the future?

My connection goes totally Scarface. He's waving a sawed-off shotgun around and screaming that I'm a narc. Fortunately, I was able to crawl into the ventilation system during the confusion and make my getaway. You'd think the air ducts at the Bellagio would be way swankier than those at Westward Ho, like inlaid with gold or something, but no, same crappy tin.

Could a similar blackout occur at other major properties in town?

Just because you occasionally have to slither through air vents to keep from getting croaked, don't think that being a drug mule isn't an excellent part-time job. The hours are good and there are plenty of perks. Travel to exotic places, for example, and after you dispel your product, you get to keep the condoms. Of course, don't even think about signing on if you're afflicted with Shy Bowel Syndrome. By now, I'm so accustomed to pinching off in a bucket surrounded by strangers, I can hardly go in one of your fancy-schmancy "water commodes" anymore.