Mercury World Report

Bush promises wife he'll 'get around to Syria one of these days'

Fixing broken sprinkler, disarming N. Korea also on to-do list

WASHINGTON--Attempting to appease the first lady so he could finish watching "The Best Damn Sports Show Period" Tuesday night, President Bush promised he'd "get around to that Syria problem this weekend if I can free up some time, hon."

Criticized by Laura Bush for putting off such chores, the president also promised he'd "look into" finally disarming North Korea and figure out what that pinging noise is in the presidential limousine. "I've just been so busy, babe. You know how it is--the upcoming election, this war thing. I'll get around to it, promise."

"Just like you 'got around' to fixing that broken sprinkler on the north lawn?" Laura Bush asked sarcastically. "And what about the dishwasher? It's still leaking. Please don't put it off like you did with Iraq."

The president absent-mindedly muttered, "Yes, dear," and cracked open another can of Hamm's.

Guy wondering who gets dead girlfriend's car

In the weeks since his girlfriend's sudden and tragic death, Hugh Elbert has grappled with some of life's most perplexing questions: Why would God claim her so soon? Is there something more I could have done? Who's gonna end up getting Carla's 2001 Pontiac Grand Am?

Ever since Carla Danos succumbed to bacterial meningitis on April 4 of this year, Elbert says he's walked the earth in a state of numb, uncomprehending grief. "The whole funeral and gravesite ceremonies were like being trapped in a movie," a distraught Elbert said Tuesday. "I knew what was happening, but it just didn't feel real. It wasn't until the limo took us back to the Danoses' home for the reception and I saw Carla's black car in the driveway that it really hit me.

"Just seeing it there and recognizing the finality of it all made me think, `Hey, I wonder what they're gonna do with Carla's car? I wonder if they'll give it to me 'cause I loved her so much?' Mrs. Danos said I was welcome to come over next week and go through Carla's things to see if there was anything I might want to keep. I'll definitely hit them up for the Grand Am then. I mean, you'd think seeing it every day would be too painful and they'd want me to have it."

Station break

Seeking to quash concerns about her ties to Station Casinos, Lynette Boggs McDonald recently resigned from the casino's board and sold her company stock. What else is the new County Commissioner doing to distance herself from the gaming giant?

• Covered up "Property of Station Casinos" tattoo with tasteful Station Casinos armband

• No longer referring to District F as "Where Locals Play--and Win!"

• Resolved to stop wearing poker dealer's green visor to County Commission meetings

• Stopped offering gaming companies and developers "better payouts than the Strip"

• Ended policy of citizens having to swipe Boggs Club Frequent Complainer Rewards Card before public comment period

• Trying to avoid mistakenly saying "Red Rock Station National Conservation Area"

• Adopted habit of shrugging, saying, "Station Ca-what?"