Mort!

Hey everyone! Today I'm reporting live from the front lines, where the action is as intense as everyone says it is--constant gunfire, explosions and a casualty count that's rising every day. Yeah, who said this year's Laughlin River Run has been "tamed down"? What a load of bull! For Pete's sake, as I write this I'm using one of Kim Capozzo's hair extensions for a tourniquet--now tell me what's tame about that! Okay, I'll admit it; maybe this year's event is a little bit more low-key than 2002's violence-marred bikefest (those U.N. peacekeeping troops have certainly helped) but what's especially disheartening is how slick, safe and corporate biker culture has gotten. I mean, imagine my surprise when Paula Francis rolled up on her own Hog. Yeah, the pink chaps and "Got MILF?" tank top were especially nice touches.

Anyway, it was a, ahem, lively way to cap off the week, especially after the snorefest that was the Earth Day festival. Planting trees and driving hybrid cars is all good and well, but Mort has come up with some of his own cutting-edge proposals on how Las Vegas can be a more Earth-friendly city. For instance, reducing the excessive carbon monoxide emissions from Mayor Oscar Goodman and Jon Ralston of late, or by turning the Board of Regents into a nutrient-rich mulch--they are full of crap, after all--or by enhancing the natural beauty of Southern Nevada's natural areas with the addition of several Station neighborhood casinos (okay, that suggestion was mailed in by some writer calling herself Janette Hoggs McDonaldson...strange)--I know! How about we form a 17-member "task force" to study the problem and hold long, boring meetings where nothing ever seems to happen--in other words, what Gov. Kenny Guinn calls foreplay. Seriously, though, whatever you're doing to help the environment, remember to not get discouraged, and if you're seeking inspiration, just look at the community for sterling examples of the many fine companies in Nevada using innovative ways to save energy...like the Bellagio, for instance. Okay, bad example.

Speaking of energy, how about that proposed Yucca nuke dump rail line that'll run through rural Nevada? Not only would it devastate the livelihood of the folks who make a living with livestock like cattle and sheep, but just imagine the chaos it'll wreak on their love lives. Oh well. On the bright side, hosting nuclear waste is at least one way Nevada can become a greener state. Ciao!