The Homeowner: Outing the 'toons

By Mike Prevatt

I recall waiting in the queue for Big Thunder Mountain Railroad at Disneyland two years ago, and a T-shirt I'm still scouring the Net for caught my eye. I was there for the park's unofficial Gay Day, which takes place in early October and sees droves of homeowners visiting the park, identifiable by their red shirts. And the back of this particular red tee I spotted at Big Thunder boasted about nine or 10 Disney characters, arranged "Hollywood Squares" style, with some playful text suggesting who the company's "real family" was. This included Chip and Dale, Maleficent (from Sleeping Beauty), Meeko (Pocahontas) and Dopey.

I am remembering this shirt right now because of a recent news item involving "The Simpsons," that other billion-dollar animation entity. Two weeks ago, the creators and writers of the beloved show announced at San Diego's Comic-Con (think Comdex for the comic/sci-fi/fantasy/geek culture scene) that its upcoming 16th season would feature a gay marriage episode and the outing of a longtime character.

And I thought the speculation regarding John Kerry's running mate was excessive. Countless message boards and blogs online are weighing in on who the big 'mo will be. Most people have ruled out the obvious choice, Waylon Smithers, the eager assistant to nuclear power tycoon Mr. Burns, because everyone already knows ("Guide me in, Smithers!" "Yes, sir!"). Favorite candidates range from Marge's sister Patty and Principal Skinner, to Chief Wiggum and Homer's co-worker pal, Carl.

All this gossip makes me wonder, who else in Cartoon Land needs to come out? We already know about Big Gay Al ("South Park"). The BBC once investigated the gayness of SpongeBob SquarePants, whom only his creators believe is straight. DC Comics documented Green Lantern sidekick Terry Berg's gay-bashing in 2002. And who could forget that 2001 Minute Maid commercial with Popeye and Bluto frolicking together?

But something tells me the list doesn't stop there. And, after some research, I came up with the following list of obvious--and not-so-obvious--cartoon characters with a probable alternative lifestyle. Of course, this plays to the worst of gay stereotypes. That said, who wants Donald Duck as a gay icon?

Bugs Bunny: He's got the lisp. He's got the wit. He's got the cross-dressing tendencies. He's got a thing for kissing his male rivals. And he's got a charisma that Mickey Mouse could only dream of. Survey says: fag.

Peppermint Patty and Marcie: Given the tame subtext of Charles Schulz's "Peanuts" strip and cartoon specials, it's remarkable how true to lesbian form Patty and Marcie are. The former takes Lucy's tomboy act and butches it up several degrees (she calls Charlie Brown "Chuck"), while the latter--who refers to Patty as "Sir"--balances the partnership with her prim and proper submissiveness. (And while we're on "Peanuts," my gaydar suspects Schroeder, whose dismissals of Lucy's affections are as famous as his Beethoven covers.)

The Smurfs: My theory is that West Hollywood was modeled after the Smurfs. There's reigning daddy figure Papa Smurf, watching over all his mostly shirtless drones (Handy Smurf wears overalls) and the town's lone hag, Smurfette. Need further proof? The cast is replete with gay archetypes: Vanity, Hefty, Tailor, Harmony, Poet, Snappy--I mean, c'mon!

Rex: The anxious, less-than-ferocious dino from Toy Story is a bit of a nelly, no doubt. Toward the end of the first film, he states his wishes for a dominant partner. What a bottom.

Beavis and Butthead: Some have argued that the two MTV teens are maladjusted homophobes. But B&B--adolescents in their "experimenting" years--raise some important questions. Don't they live together? Do you notice the glee in their voices when talking about penises and masturbation? And what guy accompanies his best friend to the sperm bank for deposits?

Snagglepuss: Hanna-Barbera's fey, pink feline has a deep love for drama, encapsulated in his token phrase, "Exit! Stage right!"--the Baby Boomer equivalent of "Let's motor!" (see "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" fashionista Carson Kressley, who is something of a cartoon character himself).

Rabbit: There are followers of the 100 Acre Wood who have their gay money on Eeyore, but I'm betting on this homemaker and gardener extraordinaire, who is as fussy as they come. And how about that butt-ramming he gave Pooh in "The Honey Tree"?

Velma: The only obvious evidence of Velma's homosexuality--her blatant dyke appearance aside--may just be that among the five central "Scooby Doo" characters, she's the one not partnered up. This leads us to the unique relationship of Shaggy and Scooby--which we won't address, lest Sen. Rick Santorum is reading.

Bert and Ernie: Sesame Street's inadvertent argument for domestic partnerships doesn't exactly fall into the realm of cartoon characters, but why should the puppets of Avenue Q get to have all the queer fun? Jerry Falwell may have "outed" rave-culture fave Tinky-Winky of Teletubbies fame in 1998, but no plushie screams gay bliss quite like easygoing Ernie and his neurotic other-half, Bert, the subjects of a controversial 2002 documentary called Ernest and Bertram. The Children's Television Workshop has been so sensitive to rumors that it's gone on record frequently to deny that the duo is gay. The company doth protest too much, methinks. But if they change their minds, I see the mother of all "Simpsons" cameos come next season.

The Homeowner appears biweekly. Send your comments and nude pics to oughtabeinporn@yahoo.com.