The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, AUG. 4: Out of prison and right back into the lotion-palmed MILFantastic porno theater of your mind: Mary Kay Letourneau, the elementary schoolteacher convicted in 1997 for doing the nastybonk with a sixth-grade pupil, Vili Fualaau, was released from prison early in Washington. Daydream along with us: "We had sex in the gym, we had sex in the girl's bathroom and we had sex in her classroom," Fualaau testified in 2002. Was Letourneau a sensible woman caught in the passions of a forbidden love or a sexual predator? History will tell, but one suspects the porno industry will have the last word with such probable film titles as XXXtra Credit, Hot for Teacher, Anal Detention and Clop My Erasers and Wipe the Blackboard Clean.

THURSDAY, AUG. 5: City Councilwoman Janet Moncrief was indicted by a grand jury on five felony counts of campaign violations, possibly putting an end to a short political career marked by, well, not being Michael McDonald. The indictment charges that Moncrief under-reported campaign donations and expenditures and mailed anonymous fliers saying mean, hurtful but probably true things about her opponent. The indictment also charges Moncrief with the fashion crime of applying her makeup with a paint roller and spatula.

FRIDAY, AUG. 6: Four members of the 311 Boyz--the o.g.s who came straight from da streets of muthafukken hardcore suburban northwest Las Vegas!--were sentenced to one year in jail for the maiming of a teenager last year. Judging from the callousness, arrogance and mouth-breathing cro-maggery they've displayed during trial, one suspects, alas, that the not-so-niceties of the slammer will offer them little in the way of rehabilitation, save for thinking up summer job to schemes to help pay off the endless civil suit settlements raining on Mommy and Daddy like, well, rocks thrown from assholes on bridges.

SATURDAY, AUG. 7: Speaking of apes, Koko the special talking primate went to the dentist Saturday. The gorilla who's mastered more than 1,000 American Sign Language gestures told her handlers of a persistent pain in her mouth, after which they took her to the dentist, who extracted a big-ass ape tooth. Doctors also administered four hours' worth of tests, including a colonoscopy, gynecological exam, X-rays and ultrasounds. Koko signed afterward: "Now Koko know why human no like dentist. Pick wrong one and he make mouth and ass and peepee hurt."

SUNDAY, AUG. 8: Fay Wray, the actress best known for popularizing the giant gorilla paw outfit, died Sunday at age 96. Wray became the original damsel in distress of American cinema after appearing in the 1933 classic King Kong. For the young 'uns out there, a brief synopsis: King Kong is about a giant monster who grabs a hot lady and roughs her shit up. See also: Dennis Rodman, Robert Blake, Steve Austin, James Brown, Mike Tyson, Bobby Brown, Gary Busey, Roman Polanski...

MONDAY, AUG. 9: Terrorists want to blow up Las Vegas. Casino owners want you to keep playing deuces wild while drinking free Bud Light. What do we do? Nothing! That's the answer that shook out after internal Justice Department memos show that Al Qaeda operatives were casing Las Vegas as early as 1997. Casino bosses spurned invitations to watch the surveillance videotapes, fearing civil liability if an attack did occur, the Associated Press reported. "[I]f they heard this information, they would have to act on it," said Assistant U.S. Attorney Richard Convertino. "It was extraordinarily unacceptable and absolutely outrageous." Please note: All winnings as well as Ca$h Club Card Member points are void if a flaming hunk of Boeing 757 fuselage shears your body in half.

TUESDAY, AUG. 10: "Pulse-pounding 3-D action...high-res graphics and sound...immersive storyline...this is the most realistic video game I've ever played--whoops...wait a sec--I really am killing someone with a baseball bat!" Thus wends the mind at the paperback true-crime headline "The X Box murders!" CNN.com reported that Florida prison honchos fired four probation officers they said could have prevented the grisly murders of four men and two women, who were killed after Troy Victorini and three other men suspected them of stealing his X Box. For critics who think video games cause violence, you stand corrected: It's the actual console's fault.

--ANDREW KIRALY