The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement

Ebola: The Sequel: The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement is another viscera-liquefying turkey

By Anthony Allison

Bad news, parents: It's impossible to describe the sheer awfulness of The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement, Garry Marshall's sequel to his 2001 fairy tale in which simpering Bay Area teen Anne Hathaway learned she was heir to the throne of the minuscule European nation of Genovia.

Good news: The internal bleeding stops mere hours after you've been rushed from the theater to the E.R. and hooked up to an intravenous Valium drip.

By then you'll no longer even be feeling sorry for Julie Andrews, her voice ruined by an incompetent throat surgeon. She delivers her deathless lines ("A queen is never late; everyone else is simply early,") in a hoarse, Jimmy Durante-like rasp, before revealing--in a tuneless duet with Raven--her bell-like Sound of Music soprano cruelly reduced to a sad sub-contralto.

Writers Gina Wendkos and Shonda Rhimes' Razzie-worthy "plot" has Princess Mia choosing between dull English duke Callum Blue and local hunk Chris Pine, whose scheming uncle (John Rhys-Davies) wants him to steal her throne. Meanwhile, obsequious minder Hector Elizondo, irritating pal Heather Matarazzo and mom (Caroline Goodall) make inevitable return appearances.

But here's the best news: The old antidote still works. Grab a copy of Roman Holiday and let Audrey Hepburn's matchless star power cleanse this meretricious insult by Marshall, Hollywood's most feeble-minded filmmaker, from your addled brain.