Sidebar with Agnes Fliff

Facts on the Olympics

Is it true that in the first Olympics all the athletes were male, and participated nude?

Yes, which meant the relay races were a Russian roulette of sexual identity, since athletes never knew which baton they were grabbing. But of course, ancient Greeks were always known to be as gay as a New Jersey governor. Today that tradition is proudly carried on by the synchronized male diving teams, a veritable "reach around" of athletic prowess.

Did the modern Olympics also begin in Greece?

Yes, the first modern games took place in Athens in 1896, with athletes from 14 nations participating. The goal was to identify and cast the perfect Tarzan for a traveling stage production.

When did women first compete in the Olympics?

In 1900, during the Paris games. Here are a few more Olympic milestones: The 1936 games were marred by disaster when the Hindenburg crashed into the stands during the badminton finals. Instead of medals at the 1944 games, winners were awarded nylons and Hershey bars. 1956 was the last year gymnasts were allowed to smoke during their floor exercise routines. In 1976, testing of banned substances was expanded to include peyote, forcing me to drop out before the Olympic trials. Too bad. As a teenager, the pommel horse was my bitch.

Weren't the Greeks responsible for much advancement in modern civilization?

Like what? Togas, wine and ass sex? Welcome to Neverland Ranch, kids. Greeks are totally overrated. The men are rude and don't call when they say they will. At least that's been my experience. And if you've never smelt a fig fart, trust me, it will buckle your knees. Then again, they did give us baklava, which is a snacky little dessert. Although not as tasty as the one I invented: Oreo cookies crumbled in a pitcher of Pabst Blue Ribbon. After a long afternoon of getting your backside stuffed like a Safeway chicken by Nicodemus, nothing refreshes like an ice-cold cookie brew.