Cheap Wisdom: The Goldberg Awards

By Tod Goldberg

I'm not sure I understand why awards are necessary, and having won and lost my share in the past, I'm certain those who are nominated aren't quite sure either. Award ceremonies themselves are excruciating affairs where you try to act as normal as possible while your stomach flips in circles and your mind tries to rectify the banality of it all: Does this define me? Am I more than a list of accomplishments? At the end of the night, invariably, the answer to both is, God, I hope so. All of which is why I've chosen not to notify the people up for the prestigious Goldberg Awards, given to things, people and conversations that have earned my admiration in 2004 and have chosen an innocuous week in which to announce the winners:

Best books:

1. You Remind Me of Me by Dan Chaon. One of America's finest short story writers is now also one of our most cherished novelists. A powerful, challenging book.

2. Cottonwood by Scott Phillips. A western. A mystery. A gothic horror story. A tour de force by not just the finest crime writer around, but one of the most diverse chroniclers of the human condition I've ever read.

3. Mr. Paradise by Elmore Leonard. Leonard is as nimble and energetic as he has ever been and Mr. Paradise is one of his finest books, period.

4. And the Dead Shall Rise by Steve Oney. It actually came out in October 2003, but anyone who says they finished this exhaustive 750-page account of the murder of Mary Phagan and the lynching of Leo Frank before the dawn of 2004 lied. Quite simply the best true-crime account ever. Ever.

5. Every Night Is Ladies' Night by Michael Jaime-Becerra. This excellent debut collection of short stories heralds a fantastic new voice capable of making even the most mundane landscape, in this case El Monte, Calif., as vibrant and alive as Paris.

6. Don't Try This At Home by Dave Navarro & Neil Strauss. Not great literature necessarily, but a fascinating insight into what makes Navarro tick, or, perhaps, twitch. (A nice companion is Scar Tissue by Anthony Kiedis.)

7. Born to Rock by Todd Taylor. This collection of essays and interviews about punk rock serves as a definitive account of what it means to be an outsider while craving to know what the inside looks like, if only to fuck the place up once you get there.

8. Another Bullshit Night in Suck City: A Memoir by Nick Flynn. The title says it all.

9. War Trash by Ha Jin. A hard look at what it means to survive.

10. Covenants by Lorna Freeman. A rich and energetic debut by a fantasy author who looks to have a bright and prolific future.

Best Piece of Hate Mail I Received: From a Las Vegas writer who didn't appreciate my honest opinion of his (unsolicited) writing, wherein I'd stated his historical novel was "not my cup of coffee," which was actually a coded response that meant, I want you to send me e-mails in the middle of the night where you rail against the publishing world and, specifically, me, until you conclude by sending me a final e-mail asking that I die: "I wanted you to help me, and instead you criticized me. I needed a heads up and good job, but you gave me not my cup of coffee. I hope you drown in your next latte."

Best Albums: Live in Hyde Park, Red Hot Chili Peppers; To the 5 Boroughs, Beastie Boys; High, the Blue Nile; California Clam Chowder, Thelonious Monster; College Dropout by Kanye West.

Best Description of This Column By a Now-Defunct Media Watchdog Website...Run By a Guy Who Temporarily Became a Member of the Local Media: "I generally don't read Tod Goldberg's `Cheap Wisdom' column. It usually looks trivial and silly..."

Best Person from Pop Culture Who Called Me At Home While I Was Talking to My Mom on the Other Line: Priscilla Presley.

Best Outwardly Scary, and Inwardly Pretty Scary, Too, Website I Found Myself on During a Midnight Google Session: FreeRepublic.com...and it wasn't in praise, believe me.

Best Consistently Compelling TV Shows: "Deadwood," Dead Like Me," "Lost" and "The Amazing Race."

Best Abortion of a TV Show: "Joey."

Best Movie: Last Letters Home: Voices of American Troops from the Battlefields of Iraq. If you voted for a Republican this year, you owe it to these kids to watch this film.

Best Reason Not to Believe the Next Four Years Are Going to Be All About the Free Love: A bill introduced by Alabama Rep. Gerald Allen to ban books with gay characters from Alabama public libraries, including university libraries. Instead of receiving a tough rebuke from our president, the idea earned Mr. Allen a trip to the White House for a one-on-one chat this week.

Best Reason to Believe the Next Four Years Can Only Get Better: Uh, well, there is a new Star Wars movie coming out...and it looks like Peter Jackson might make The Hobbit, and I have a new book coming out next year...and, uh, well shit. We're totally fucked.