Girl Gone Wild: Dear Santa

By Loki Ferris

I have been a good girl this year, for the most part.

I've introduced my children to only one man, and will not do that again until I've been dating that man for at least a year. I've heard horror stories of ho mamas who introduce their kids to every man who walks in the door. Please, Santa, tell the single moms of Vegas not to do this! Their kids are having a hard enough time adjusting to their mother's singledom; why gamble with new men who may or may not have the intention of sticking around?

"Insta-Dad" was a product of the '50s and '60s. Men these days don't want to meet the kids on the first date. I have a friend who works as a cocktail waitress, and she coins this behavior "the single mom-cocktail waitress syndrome." The normal m.o. of these women is to hook a man and bed him, only for the guy to wake up to a toddler at the foot of the bed asking, "Are you my daddy?" I cannot emphasize enough how kids will save tons of money on therapy if moms keep their dating life separate from the demands of parenting. Okay, enough of the diatribe. You all get what I'm saying.

Santa, I've not shirked my duties as a single mom. All right, I cannot fib; I let the Cartoon Network babysit my kids so I could sleep in an extra hour a few times and I let IHOP do breakfast so I wouldn't have to cook or do dishes. Truth be told, I do that a lot with lunch and dinner as well. But I made it to my kid's valedictorian awards ceremony and I've also spent an exorbitant amount of money on Chuck E. Cheese birthday parties.

I've been honest with men, for the most part.

I've been loyal to my good friends. To the best of my knowledge, I did not talk behind anyone's back, and if I did, I asked for forgiveness right away.

I haven't stolen anything--nobody's boyfriend, husband, job, virginity, etc. I've been kind to old people and refrained from obscene gestures when I'm cut off in traffic. I've also limited my use of the word retard, since my kids say it is not a nice word. I also have been getting better at forgiving people--and letting bygones be bygones. I'm even friends with my ex-husband's girlfriend, although she used to trash talk about me all the time.

Santa, I think I deserve all the things on my wish list because I am a pretty darn good person who introspects a lot and strives to be better. I hope you will deliver the following items in a timely manner. If these things are too much to ask for, then I am willing to wait until my birthday (March 25)--hint hint.

Loki's wish list:

Note: There are 20 items on this list, not one of them world peace or ending world hunger. My wants aren't that far-reaching--this is all about me.

1. Health and happiness to all my loved ones near and far, and to you and yours, Vegas.

2. Men--but only ones who are interesting and smart. A sense of humor is icing. Good hair and teeth, bonus!

3. Women--same thing: ones who are interesting, intelligent and can laugh at themselves.

4. A body that doesn't jiggle in the wrong places.

5. A larger vocabulary and the discipline to write more often.

6. In said order: A cute literary agent, a great book deal with a large publisher for an unheard of sum that rivals that Harry Potter chick.

7. The title of Mrs. Viggo Mortensen. Okay, I'll settle for a date.

8. A Ducati 999. Yeah baby, I like to ride! Oww!

9. An original Rothko.

10. My own talk show.

11. All of the HBO show DVD sets.

12. Fishnet anything--I'll wear it.

13. Lasik. Saving up for it.

14. Personal groomer, shopper, nanny, cook, maid, driver, etc.

15. Gift certificates to Nora's, Farm Basket, Whole Foods, Olives and anything BBQ--American, Korean, doesn't matter.

16. An unabridged dictionary.

17. A cozy cabin on top of Mount Charleston.

18. A plasma screen TV to watch my HBO DVDs.

19. Leather-bound first editions of all the classic novels for my library in my cozy cabin.

20. A Shop-Vac.

E-mail your comments and questions to loki@lasvegasmercury.com.