Agnes Fliff

Thursday, February 12, 2004
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Sidebar with Agnes Fliff

Facts on body piercing

Is it true that Janet Jackson's Super Bowl exposure has led to an upsurge in body piercing?

Yes. Any time a big star establishes a trend, legions of fans want to emulate them. Of course not everybody is just now jumping on the bandwagon. I currently have 67 piercings dating back for years. I won't tell you where the bulk of them are but suffice it to say, my farts are accompanied by the melodic jingle of wind chimes.

Is body piercing safe?

Absolutely. But like any procedure that involves jabbing, simple steps can be taken to ensure that the experience is healthy and enjoyable. Some piercings are more painful than others. By doing your research beforehand you'll know just how drunk you should be during the procedure. Make sure only sterile or really new-looking equipment is used. Never go to a piercer named Shakes.

Do body piercings require any special after-care care?

None. If you develop an infection, just go back to the person who did the work and demand that they redo it. Don't forget to take your receipt and a container of pus.

How can I be sure if a body piercing is right for me?

Body piercing has been around since the dawn of time, so obviously it won't go out of style. That means it is a decision you'll never, ever regret. A piercing only enhances what is already beautiful. For example, I had my nips pierced because I have stupendous guns. They're round and full, with just enough droop to confirm their realness. I remember how disappointed I was when I discovered I could hold a pencil under my breast. A year later, I found I could hold a stapler. Since then, I've never spent a penny on office supplies. They're all tit-tucked out of the Mercury office. Which serves the miserly corporate stooges right. Silver linings, people, that's what I'm talking about.