Agnes Fliff

Thursday, January 01, 2004
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

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Facts on Michael Jackson

What are the specific charges against Michael Jackson?

The singer has been charged with two counts of administering an intoxicating agent to a child. Allegedly, he put wine into a soda can and served it. The seven counts of lewd behavior against him stem from what else Jackson was trying to put into a little can.

Now that Michael Jackson has been charged with child molestation, what happens next?

He's going to Disneyland! Ha! I kid Mike but only because I love him. We've been best friends ever since I bumped into him at the Food4Less. In fact, I'm on the list to be brood mare for his next offspring. He said I totally remind him of Liz Taylor. We're both feisty and always dripping in jewelry, although mine is mostly made from tightly folded gum wrappers. We both have "Fortensky Forever" tattooed on our backsides, although she had hers changed to "Fort...y Forever." And we've both had hip surgery. She had a replacement, while I had one removed to make me appear thinner.

Was it appropriate for Jackson to throw himself a lavish party at Neverland right after charges were filed?

Oh, hell yes. It was quite the hootenanny. You could barely hear the entertainment over the clickety-clickety-click-click din of valets parking all those Big Wheels. And when Mike stood up and said how much it meant to receive the support of his peers, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Then he asked if anyone knew how to get Bubble Yum stains out of underwear, and we all broke up. R. Kelly, Roman Polanski, Gary Glitter and Pete Townsend, we were all on the floor. You've got to be able to laugh.

Will Michael Jackson go to prison?

Absolutely not! And here's something I found out at the party: Apparently, you only have to alert your neighbors if you are a convicted sex offender. Convicted being the key word, not aspiring. So now the people on my street know a lot of messed up stuff about me. Oh well. It should liven up our New Year's Eve block party.