Thursday, January 15, 2004
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Martian chronicle

The Mars rover began beaming images back to Earth last week. The high-resolution pictures have allowed NASA scientists to finally discern fascinating features of the Martian landscape. Among them:

Plaque commemorating George W. Bush's unquestioned dominion over all living things

Fascinating geological feature caused by a process known as "solid-state mantle convection," in which concentric and radial fractures slowly warp the planet's sur--ah, shit. It's more boring-ass dirt.

Naturally, best goddamn parking spaces reserved for "differently abled" astronauts

Spare key to rover hidden under this rock

Abandoned death ray gun mechanism from long-forgotten James Bond villain

Natural, water-efficient xeriscaping. There, you happy now, Pat Mulroy?

Site for provisional government center as part of Bush's plan to bring democracy to Mars

Future site of Station casino

The fabled face of Mars...wait, you sure that's not its ass? Ha ha! Thank you. I'm here all week.

Gaping canyon formed by thousands of years of nonstop, hardcore pounding by thick, hot meteors, dubbed "Paris Hilton Ravine" by scientists

Pre-recorded alphanumeric message demanding residents guide rover to fabulous Mars candy bar factory

Probably nothing but a giant, perfectly shaped obelisk thought to be carved by harsh Martian atmosphere and inscribed with uniform lettering probably created by wind-blown debris

Abandoned futon with "FREE" sign taped to mattress