Agnes Fliff

Thursday, January 15, 2004
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

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Facts on Britney Spears' marriage

Was Britney's quickie marriage just a publicity stunt?

I can't believe how wrong the media are about this story. The wedding was utterly spontaneous. Brit was hanging at the Palms with her usual Vegas posse: me, Charo, Erin Kenny, two dancers from Zumanity, a lesbian pedicab driver and the Imperial Palace dealertainer who portrays Tina Fey. We danced at Ghostbar, then went upstairs to eat HŠagen-Dazs and shave each other's coochies. We were really bored and then this rube shows up from Brit's past and Kenny's like, "We so have to punk him." So whenever Brit went to the can we were all like, "Dude, you have to propose. She totally loves you." Afterward, on the honeymoon in Fatburger, Brit starts screaming, "I can't believe I married Jethro!" The kid just wilted under the weight of public humiliation. He'll bear the psychic scars of the incident until the day he dies. It was hilarious. Me and the faux Fey laughed so hard we peed a little.

Was Britney drunk when she got married?

Not at all. She may have been a little tipsy but snorting horse tranquilizer laced with mescaline off a male stripper's ass will do that to a person, which is what we had been doing most of the afternoon.

Why was the marriage annulled so quickly?

Two words: super-small wiener. Brit's a total size queen because of all the porn she watches.

Will Britney ever get married again?

Unlikely. Her New Year's resolution was to stay single. Of course that may not be binding. My New Year's resolution was to stop mailing human toes to that bitch Linda Lavin, but I just FedExed two middles and a pinky this afternoon. She knows why. FYI, you can get a lot of great stuff when city morgues have their remnant sales.