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Thursday, January 22, 2004 Mercury World Report
New 'Madkins Diet' focuses on protein, brain-melting livestock disease SANTA BARBARA, Calif.--Hoping to exploit both the popularity of the Atkins Diet and the mad cow disease scare, founders of a new weight loss system unveiled their Madkins Diet Tuesday. "We all know that carbs are the culprit when you just can't get rid of those extra pounds," said Ken Weisen, a former decathlon champion and Madkins co-founder. "But we at Madkins take it one step further. Our high-protein, mad cow disease-tainted specialty foods will help you burn off the pounds twice as fast. "You'll watch the fat just melt away while you run around in futile circles, panting and frothing as your brain matter is slowly turned to mush by Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy. And those washboard abs and ripped chest you've always dreamed about will be yours as you keel over and violently heave from your mouth what was formerly your intestines, but is now but a plague-ravaged, liquefied mass of entrails." Products in the diet food line include Offal Breakfast Bars and Slaughterhouse Smoothie mix.
Poll: Wayne Newton 'tan enough' A nationwide Gallup Poll reveals that the public thinks legendary Las Vegas entertainer Wayne Newton is "tan enough," and should begin avoiding the direct sunlight, tanning booths and spray-on chemical tan solutions that have given the entertainer his dark orange hue. An overwhelming majority--87 percent--strongly agreed with the statement, "Wayne Newton is beginning to resemble old shoe leather," while 92 percent agreed that "Wayne Newton looks like a sun-baked orange peel." When asked if Wayne Newton needs intervention to stop what is apparently an all-consuming mania for tanning, 72 percent of respondents said yes.
Comforting night-light casts shadowy image of terror across ceiling Though purchased to bring a reassuring sense of calm to little Katie Jasik's sleep, the Winnie the Pooh night-light she received for Christmas has instead projected a terrifying stream of shadowy, nightmare-inspiring images across her ceiling. By day, the adorable figurine of Winnie the Pooh holding three brightly colored balloons offers no hint of its unimaginable powers to haunt Jasik's dreams. But as night falls and the image is borne aloft by light's sinister winds, a lurid phantasmagoria of screeching demons and misshapen ogres is splayed across the walls. Winnie's sweet smile becomes the gaping mouth of hell itself, and the rounded balloons become the ears of a colossal child-eating monster. And with the click of the thermostat, air roils the curtains and sends the shadows into a sickening dance of terror, as if in pagan celebration of the nightmares to come. Paris Hilton voted 'least dressed' Britney reluctantly returns Maloof's bread machine wedding gift |
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