Thursday, January 22, 2004
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report: Mad Kraut disease

In a case that has shocked the world, German computer technician Armin Meiwes recently admitted to killing and eating another man in a bizarre, consensual fantasy arranged through the Internet. The Mercury has obtained a draft of a recipe book confessed cannibal Meiwes was working on. Some of the chilling recipes follow.

David Hasselhoff Casserole

1 washed-up entertainer inexplicably popular in another country (see also Jerry Lewis Stroganoff)

3 tablespoons butter

3 tablespoons flour

large wooden mallet

2 cups chicken broth

Placidyl

Invite unsuspecting Hasselhoff over with promise of $500 for entertaining Reimers-Knecht family reunion. Exclaim surprise upon Hasselhoff's early arrival; how about a drink? Administer Placidyl in cold Lowenbrau; use mallet to incapacitate Hasselhoff.

Melt butter over low heat in a medium saucepan; stir in flour, blending well. Add chicken broth, salt and pepper. Butter a 28-quart baking dish. Place Hasselhoff in dish. Sprinkle with buttered bread crumbs. Bake at 350 for 45 minutes or until you get "Je T'Aime Means I Love You" out of your head.

Vicodinner for Two

A quick and easy-to-prepare meal using frozen Rush Limbaugh cutlets

Limbaugh cutlets

Dried herbs

Saute pan

Set out Limbaugh cutlets to thaw at least four hours in advance. Meat should be swaddled in fat. Trim to taste. Allow meat to marinate in Vicodin for at least six years. With a knife, make small incisions and insert Garlique-brand garlic tablets. Allow mixture to stew in own juices. Bring to a furious, immoderate boil over righteous flames and serve with Snapple.

Iraq Surprise Soufflé

1 U.S. leader obsessed with igniting wars to satisfy greedy whims of corporate cronies

2 green onions

3 eggs, separated

1/2 cup heavy cream

2 oz. Swiss cheese

piano

rope and pulley

Lure U.S. leader into basement by calling upstairs: "Call me crazy, but I think I just stumbled upon some weapons of mass destruction while looking for that old photo album. Yes. Saw them right over there, looked like some warheads or something...yeah, there in the corner, beneath that piano tenuously suspended by a rope." Release rope.

Cut U.S. leader into small pieces and fry until crisp. Remove from frying pan and sautee chopped green onions in U.S. leader fat until limp. Add other ingredients, place in one-quart souffle dish and bake for 1/2 hour or until set. When severe diarrhea afflicts hours later, make bathroom joke about "bombs over Baghdad."

The Chet Atkins Diet

A low-carb, high-protein pick-me-up with a tangy Southwestern zing

Country-western singer

Bacon

Chili powder

As always, live country-western singer preferable, but frozen will suffice if out of season. If live, render unconscious with hammer blows. Check to see if neighbors heard anything. Remove ribs and rub generously with chili powder. Using toothpicks, enlace bacon throughout rib cartilage. Place in smoker with wet pecan or mesquite wood. Slow cooking is the key here. Serve with insane laughter.

Spoiled Brat Stew

3 spoiled heiresses who are rich and famous merely for being daughters of rich and famous people

10 medium potatoes, cut into chunks

2 cans stewed tomatoes

6 carrots, cut into chunks

Stihl chainsaw

Worcestershire sauce

Draw unsuspecting heiresses into dank crawl space by saying, "Oh my God, I just Googled you on my laptop, Paris, and your video's, like, all over the Internet! I'm sooo grossed out right now." Hide. Emerge from creepy swiveling bookcase/door with Stihl chainsaw, incapacitating heiresses.

Cut heiresses into bite-sized pieces and bake in oven at 350 degrees. In a 28-quart pan, cook potatoes with stewed tomatoes, carrots and enough water to cover. Cook everything on high until vegetables begin to soften. Add Worcestershire sauce. Add festive touch by serving while wearing blood-spattered Prada heels and ghoulish skin-mask.

Heidi Klum Chowder

Soupermodel Deliciousness

Supermodel

Fresh vegetables

Brandy

Stock pan

To start, render supermodel's nether regions by making precise, methodical cuts along leg joints. Stop occasionally to smell variety meats and revel in your omnipotence. Place in pot with vegetables and bring stock to boil or until meat falls easily from the bone and panties. Reduce heat and simmer while you review videotape of supermodel's useless struggle against power saw. Strain through thong and serve with Brandy. Mmmmm.