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Mort!

By Mortimer Larp III, Mercury accountant

Hey, everyone! Hope your 2004 is going well. As for mine, couldn't be better! The trick to a truly happy new year is to not make any of those pesky resolutions. The way I see it, it's like Britney Spears discovered about Justin Timberlake: When things start to get hard, you'll only be disappointed. Hey, I'm all for self-improvement, but, know what, there's also something to be said for loving yourself--and not the kind Michael Jackson preaches just before coating the drunk 11-year-old in Vaseline.

Anyway, your intrepid gossip hound hit the Iowa caucuses this week. The passion! The excitement! The clamor! And that was just Howard Dean looking for a parking space. Looks like John Kerry and running mate, Ultra Model GQ Lantern Jaw, took the day, with Dennis Kucinich trailing a close 137th. Spotted: A brown-bagged bottle of Jack Daniels comforting former two-time presidential hopeful Dick Gephardt; John Edwards talking about a "powerful message of optimism and hope for a new, unified Ameri..." zzzzzz...; Gen. Wesley Clark testing a new campaign slogan: "But I'm not on the Atkins diet!"; and Joseph Lieberman testing out his: "Whatchoo talkin' about, I look like a 'white Gary Coleman'?"

Didja catch Bush's State of the Union address? Whoa, somebody crank the Totally Boring Alert Level to RED! Quick! Duct tape over the ears! Where's a drunken, unshaven, coke-hopped Simon Cowell when you need him? Or an angry Jack White? Or Ted Nugent, Chainsaw-Toting Action Armª edition? And what's this about Bush wanting to put a man on Mars? Here's a better idea, Mr. Bush: There's an undiscovered world out there that'll make people much happier if you discover it. It's called PLANET FIND OSAMA BIN LADEN. Some of the moons that orbit it include XP-2 I'm Still Scared Shitless of Flying and M-65 Please I Don't Want to Be Blown Up. But at least his speech picked up a little near the end. My favorite part was when he ate a bowl of sheep entrails and then escaped from a burning car dropped 150 feet into Lake Erie. Oh, wait...I had changed channels to "Fear Factor."

Finally, a public service announcement: If anyone sees a winning lottery ticket lying around the Nevada-California border, it's MINE. No, really. I dropped my wallet last week and lost it there. The numbers are...well, I can't say here, but whatever the winning numbers are, that's the ticket. Really. Ciao!