Thursday, January 29, 2004
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Dean campaign volunteer really getting on nation's nerves

MANCHESTER, N.H.--While the United States applauds his involvement in the political process, enthusiastic Dean campaign volunteer Daniel Kasheik is getting on the nation's last fucking nerve, sources said Tuesday.

Citing his shrill, know-it-all attitude and seeming need to get the last word in conversations about politics, people across America said they were this close to losing it with Kasheik.

"At first, I was pretty caught up in Daniel's talk of about how Dean would give the boot to special interests and would represent real Americans," said Wendy Haelburg of Modesto, Calif. "But then it started to dawn on me how that's all he talks about. The system's broken this, special interests that, renew the spirit of America, blah blah. It's like, 'Enough!'"

"The other night, a bull session over a few beers turned into a full-blown stump speech with him," said Craig Moore of Benton Harbor, Mich. "And, God, if I hear one more rant from Daniel about Bush's 'corporate cronyism,' I swear I'm gonna bring reform to his teeth."

Desperate Sharpton holds $1 billion-a-plate dinner

DENVER--In a last-ditch bid to maintain his tenuous position in the Democratic primary race, the Rev. Al Sharpton held a $1 billion-a-plate at the exclusive Pitara's Dinner Club in downtown Denver.

"The White House tells us we must go and protect freedom, while they rob us of those very freedoms at home," Sharpton said to a crowd of 0. "Our attorney general, charged with upholding the Constitution, is ripping it to shreds."

Sharpton also told the empty room, which enjoyed a dinner entree of glazed duck and baby asparagus topped with caviar, that, "If I am elected president of the United States, I will stop this domestic spying program that masquerades as national security. And thanks to your generosity tonight, my hope to restore America is renewed."

About 0 people paid $1 billion apiece to attend the dinner. Many others didn't pay $2 billion each to have their names included in a souvenir program. Anybody who raised or donated $3 trillion could get a photo taken with Sharpton. The ambitious fundraiser netted Sharpton $0.00, minus $3.00 for a Diet Pepsi Twist that Sharpton bought.

Maddening $1.21 left on Chili's gift card

After spending nearly $20 on the chain restaurant's famed baby back ribs and a shrimp salad last week, area man Barry Cline has been left with a maddening $1.21 on his Chili's gift card. The paltry amount has locked the local man in the throes of indecision.

"I'd just ditch the remainder, but, geez, I'd feel petty and ungrateful," Cline said Friday about the gift from his cousin. "On the other hand, what the hell can I do with $1.21 at Chili's? 'Hi. Just an iced tea for me, thanks.' Right. And I don't exactly feel like shelling out five bucks for one of their burgers."

Cline later stood outside the restaurant and tried to sell the card for $1.21.

Inert lava lamp must now await spring thaw

With its small light bulb no match for the congealed mass above, Chris Tomkins' lava lamp can only bide its time and patiently await the warmer days of spring.

In a seasonal cycle as old as lava lamps themselves, spring's longer days and rising temperatures will soon reawaken the hibernating appliance and slowly reanimate its inert wax. By summer the lamp's molten dance will be at its most liquid and hypnotic. And while summer brings with it carefree days of hedonism, the lamp knows this must also be its most productive season.

For all too soon, autumn and its chillier temperatures will slow the frenzied motion into a painstaking minuet of hardening wax and frigid oils. And come winter, when the ambient temperature in Tomkins' apartment falls to the low 50s, the exhausted wax collapses in on itself, burrowing ever deeper into the bottle's heated depths, conserving its energy and awaiting the miracle of its vernal summons.