Agnes Fliff

Thursday, January 29, 2004
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

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Facts on Dick Cheney

Vice President Cheney has recently been granting interviews and making television appearances. Does this signal the start of the 2004 political campaign?

Don't read too much into a few on-camera sit-downs. Many ground- or bunker-dwelling creatures emerge in mid-winter to shed their horns and skin. This strengthens them for the coming spring.

How is Cheney's health?

Terrific. Heart attacks are way down ever since the surprise transplant. It was like a miracle. A 16-year-old boy receives his driver's license, agreeing to be an organ donor, and that same day he's run over by Cheney's limo that was hurtling through the DMV parking lot on a mission of national security. The boy was killed instantly, or close enough. The Veep pulled the lad inside and rushed to the hospital where a crack team of transplant specialists happened to be standing by. Obviously, Cheney got dibs on the kid's heart, citing Finders v. Keepers as precedent. Other organs were harvested and are now carried in a cooler by the Secret Service.

Is Cheney as gruff as he seems on television?

Not according to the hookers he normally frequents. They all say he's tender and caring, often pitching in to clean fecal matter off the glass coffee table when they're done.

Is it proper that the vice president took a hunting trip with Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia while Cheney has a case pending before the high court?

Absolutely. It's quite common for judges and defendants to pal around. Throughout O.J. Simpson's murder trial, Judge Ito, Juice and prosecutor Marcia Clark were spotted at L.A.'s hottest dance clubs, cruising for chicks. (I won't tell you who scored the most tail but let me just say two words: beard burn. That's right, Marcia was a dynamo in the sack.) The Cheinmeister and Scalding Scalia are friends from back in the day. They've totally got a Starsky and Hutch vibe going. At least they do according to Donald Rumsfeld, who sees himself as the Huggy Bear of the gang.