Mercury World Report

Larry Brown continues to exist

Councilman's polite cough reminder of gentle, ghostlike presence

Emitting a polite cough during Wednesday's Las Vegas City Council meeting, Councilman Larry Brown offered a tiny sliver of proof that he continues to exist, dispelling mild speculation that the public official is perhaps an incredibly realistic hologram.

Brown's conspicuous absence in recent news accounts, diffident manner during council meetings and drab style of dress have fueled notions that there is, in fact, no such person as Larry Brown.

Also during the Wednesday meeting, Brown mumbled his assent on at least two zoning items and offered a faint, mouselike comment on a later business license application, adding to the evidence that fuels some people's belief in the councilman's existence.

Brown later also said something else, but no one was really paying attention.

Area man rich in Camel Cash

Boasting a home heavily stocked with clothing, novelty items and sports accessories all emblazoned with the Camel logo, area man Craig Hanover is rich in Camel Cash, the promotional scrip that smokers can "earn" through purchases of Camel cigarettes.

"Now, let me tell you, a lot of people think I was born rich in Camel Cash," Hanover said, sporting a leather bomber jacket featuring Camel Joe on the back, playing pool. "But I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I worked for this, smoking two, sometimes three packs a day."

Sitting on a Camel-logo director's chair in a living room featuring plenty of Camel-logo throw pillows, Hanover explained that becoming rich in Camel Cash requires a set of clear goals.

"You've just to wake up and every day and go, 'Today, I'm working toward my goal of being rich in Camel Cash.'"

As he lit a cigarette with a Camel-logo Zippo lighter, Hanover opened a carton of Camels and said he really had to get back to work.

Cats' sphincters fearfully clench in anticipation of July 4

The lethal combination of bored, morally bankrupt teens and readily available fireworks results in dozens of cat anus/firecracker incidents each July. Local residents have noticed that, eerily enough, on some level cats are aware of this, resulting in erratic behavior and fearfully clenched sphincters.

"I'm not even sure how Mister Buttermittens knows about it," said cat owner Lymon Petrie. "He was born last August, and by then the fireworks stands were closed and even Old Man Haughton had hosed all the tabby bits off his roof."

Experts note that the resultant blockage of the feline can result in a buildup of waste products, leading to sluggishness, bloating and eventually an explosion every bit as deadly as an M-80 in the colon. Cat owners are advised to keep cats indoors, provide plenty of water and stay away from their pets' back ends, as they could go off at any time.

Thing in fridge developing primitive intelligence

Scientists at the University of Colorado reported Tuesday that the foil-wrapped thing in sophomore Steve Vernon's fridge, a substance thought to be months-old lasagna, is now actively replicating itself and may be developing a primitive kind of intelligence.

"This is a huge step in our understanding of the origins of life," biologist Lars Nordquist told reporters. "What began as mold is clearly evolving. This is no longer fungus, but something unimaginably more advanced. It grows, it thinks, it reacts to light.

"At first, we thought it might be a simple, anaerobic organism," Nordquist explained. "But everything from the rhythmic, in-and-out motion of the tin foil to our own oxygen sensors suggests that this lasagna is breathing on its own. It's quite remarkable."

In addition, Nordquist explained that the substance had developed thousands of cilia, or hairs, which allow for primitive locomotion. "Two nights ago, it moved itself to the salad crisper, where lower temperatures are more conducive to growth. That suggests, at a minimum, consciousness, and at most, cognitive reasoning skills."