The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 30: Gee. It's been a while since we've had a good, juicy local political scandalette to warm our sacs. Besides, as Week in Review can attest, there are only so many times you can crank call Erin Kenny's house a 2:30 a.m., asking, "Can I please speak with Moni...MONI GRUBBER?!" before it gets kinda boring. Thus we're pleased to announce that the attorney general is sniffa-sniffing on the heels of state Controller Kathy Augustine, who confirmed to the R-J Wednesday that she's under possible investigation for having state employees work on her re-election campaign. "Hello. Can I please speak with Ilotta...ILOTTA 'SPLAINING TO DO?!"

THURSDAY, JULY 1: A ruthless dictator who held millions captive to fear lashed out at his accusers Thursday after hearing the grave charges against him. A Bush campaign debate? No. (Ha! Can't get enough of that schtick!) It was the preliminary hearing for Saddam Hussein, deposed head of Iraq and avid collector of giant Saddam statues, which, if they all toppled at once and hurt a lot of people, could be construed as weapons of mass destruction (we're just saying). During the 30-minute hearing in Baghdad, Saddam was charged with a veritable Furr's Cafeteria buffet of war crimes, including the gassing of Kurds, the invasion of Kuwait and other highlights from his curriculum vitae...OF DEATH.

FRIDAY, JULY 2: Excuse me...hi. Listen, I'm sorry to intrude. I know you're still in a state of Depends-pooping, caterwauling grief over the death of Ronald Reagan, but at some point, you know, we all have to move on and...well--how do I break this to you?--start grieving for Marlon Brando. Yeah. Died Friday. I know. I'm sorry. Yes, the star of classic American films such as A Streetcar Named Desire, On the Waterfront and The Godfather. I know, terrible. But you might know about these things if you'd, you know, not cocoon yourself in that coffin fashioned out of Gravesite Black Grape Jelly Belly Beans and discarded MX missile housings, crying softly into your commemorative Nicaraguan death squad armband. I mean, maybe...maybe it's time to move on.

SATURDAY, JULY 3: The much-vaunted Cassini spacecraft's rendezvous with Saturn has taken decades to achieve--requiring more than $3 billion, delicate international accord and more brainpower than an outsourced Microsoft tech support center in Bombay--and now we're finally seeing the fruits of our scientific, um, tree: grainy photos of one of Saturn's moons that look like the graphics on a Commodore 64 shareware game. Yeah, thanks, science. Consolation prize: The pics of Titan reveal what scientists call--in that anthropocentric sci-speak that always makes you think we're gonna be space-romping like the Jetsons as soon as next year--hydrocarbon lakes and rivers. That's funny, I don't remember being able to drink or bathe in hydrocarbon.

SUNDAY, JULY 4: Hello, America. It's a brand new day. A day of freedom and laughter. A day of remembrance and loss. On this day, more than 200 years ago, we were freed from our curiously wig-clad British oppressors, and celebrate each year by blowing shit up and eating cheap grilled meats and chips with ridges. It's been a long road, filled with travails, tests and triumphs [pause for effect], but the biggest sign of how far we've come cannot be denied: turning the British prime minister into a effete lapdog ready to yip and dance on our command. The flag-clad karate robot flexes outlandishly large muscles as the nation-state match of Mortal Kombat ends: "America Wins...Fatality!"

MONDAY, JULY 5: Marking the song's 50th anniversary, deejays across the world played Elvis Presley's "That's All Right" on more than 1,200 radio stations. Apparently, the tune is key to many music historians as being a milestone in the evolution of rock 'n' roll, when white people finally realized they could credibly claim to have invented it.

TUESDAY, JULY 6: "No...no...no!" gargles Howard Dean from a fitful sleep, as he squirts out a nervous, involuntary jet of urine into his soiled bathrobe. Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry officially chose former Democratic rival and one-term Sen. John Edwards as his running mate Tuesday morning. Edwards, a prominent trial lawyer, is perhaps best known for his speech about "two Americas,"--the one here and the new satellite we're building in Iraq.

--ANDREW KIRALY