Mercury World Report

In eerie monotone, Michael Moore instructs robed minions to storm White House

FLINT, Mich.--Raising his hands in a dark benediction, a hooded Michael Moore exhorted his followers in a chilling monotone to storm the White House Tuesday.

As his robed acolytes, seated at his feet, chanted the arcane mantra "Fahrenheit...Fahrenheit," Moore instructed them in a song-like drone to "Go forth, minions, to the White House upon the hill--the White House filled with most black purpose--and expel the imposter who enslaves us with his wiles, his false wars, his blandishments, tax cuts for the rich and questionable ties to the Saudi royal family. Verily, we will gather up our signs, our buttons and bullhorns, and chase out the impostor from the green land of America!

"And forsooth," he continued, raising his hands heavenward as the sky cracked with thunder, "when the enemy has fled, his entourage of toadies tumbling behind him, ties flapping fecklessly, then we will have fulfilled the prophecy that binds us to our action and brings to fruition our blessed destiny!"

Picking up their anti-Bush signs and filing out in a solemn procession, Moore's followers continued to chant their unholy incantation of "Fahrenheit, Fahrenheit" as the sky grew black.

Not Exactly Sovereign
The Iraqi national anthem

News item: To commemorate the handover of power in Iraq last week, the country's new leaders have penned a national anthem for the new country.

We're not exactly sovereign, not even remotely free,

Assuming this land's still called Iraq, we pledge our lives to thee.

I guess we're kind of a country now, but still under foreign rule

But calling us autonomous seems perverse and slightly cruel

Maybe we're a protectorate, maybe a full-fledged nation

Or just a giant subsidiary of a Texas corporation

It's hard to sing about freedom, when you're under martial law

Mostly we're just singing 'cause we lived through Shock and Awe.

But let's assume it's still Iraq that we celebrate today

Certainly our proud traditions will continue to light the way

Baghdad's probably still the capital, but it could also be Al Kut

We're awaiting the final decision from Kellogg, Brown and Root

And our proud flag still stands waving, atop that golden range.

Wait, that's not our flag, when the hell did that change?

Okay, settle down, I'm sure things will work out for the best.

This is still Iraq, after all, our people are still the best.

We'll have the bravest presidents, or maybe the wisest kings,

At least until the civil war, and whatever dictator that brings.

Islamic fundamentalists might emerge to take the throne

With any luck we might end up with a Talibanic clone

Or perhaps a radical cleric will declare a new jihad

And he in turn will be controlled by people in Riyadh

Hell, maybe a secular Republic, with a bicameral legislature.

That certainly seems in keeping with Iraq's chaotic nature.

Still, it could happen, a Congress with a House and Senate

And maybe pigs will fly out of my ass here in just a minute.

Yeah, maybe peace will reign, with no one else beheaded

And we'll all be paying 20 cents for a gallon of unleaded.

Maybe Shi'ites and Sunnis will trade only the kindest words

And maybe we'll all go bowling with our new best friends, the Kurds.

But whatever the future looks like, one thing is all but certain

This land we love so dearly is owned by Halliburton.

THE ISSUES THAT MATTER
What we didn't know about Marlon Brando

• Considered role as wacky neighbor on "My Mother the Car" his greatest performance: 9%

• Disgusted by how fat Kirstie Alley had recently gotten: 16%

• Not a very fast runner: 4%

• Believed that Blind Melon never recovered from death of Shannon Hoon: 23%

• Role of Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now was originally offered to Tom Bosley: 21%

• After kissing Larry King, could only achieve erection if scrotum was lashed with suspenders: 27%