Backstory: And the same to you, Dick

By Michael Green

It turns out Dick Cheney is a Vegas kind of guy.

Recently, the unelected, aptly named, criminally culpable vice president urged Sen. Patrick Leahy of Vermont to do the biologically impossible. Better still, the next day, Cheney said that saying it made him feel better.

Ironically, Cheney made this statement in an interview with one of his slavering lackeys at Fox News. Ironic? Say Fox News aloud. It sounds exactly like what Fox does to the news.

More ironically, Cheney's comment followed a trip to Las Vegas. While here, Cheney spoke to his worshipful flock. Actually, he may have gone to the Hard Rock. After all, the Hard Rock is in trouble with state authorities for suggestive advertisements. One ad alludes to what must be a rodeo, since you might "buck all night." Maybe the wording confused the vice president--that can happen if you spend too much time listening to George W. Bush's war on English.

Our society has become more open--something Republicans often lament, by the way. We in Las Vegas are part of it, though not the cause of it. Half a century ago, showgirls seemed to be in every photo shot here. Today, "what happens here, stays here." Is it that different?

Well, if I understand the ads correctly, if you visit Las Vegas, you have a good chance of doing with someone else what Cheney urged Leahy to do to himself. Ultimately, though, Las Vegas is saying nothing different; it's just being said in a different way. By contrast, Cheney's comment is an oldie but a goodie.

Several commentators have clucked--it rhymes, and brings to mind chickens, as in chickenhawks--that Cheney's effort reflects the decline of civility in politics. Both sides blame the other for this and no one is likely to be convinced otherwise by anything written here. So, let's get to the crux--it rhymes with the plural version--of the matter.

One of Cheney's defenders, Sen. Orrin Hatch of Utah, not only saw nothing wrong with the comment, but recently called one colleague's idea "dumb-ass." Long ago, during serial sexual harasser Clarence Thomas' Supreme Court confirmation hearings, Hatch quoted The Exorcist with such salacious fervor that he appeared close to executing Cheney's suggestion to Leahy.

Not to bring religion into politics--Republicans never do that, so why should I?--but Hatch happens to belong to the Mormon Church. The last I heard, those with strong religious beliefs frowned on telling others to attempt such acrobatics on themselves. I eagerly await an announcement that religious leaders have criticized Hatch. Or, for that matter, Cheney. Unless, of course, the Golden Rule about doing unto others has been amended so that others should do unto themselves.

This is not the first time Cheney has been associated with a mouth needing a good soaping. During the 2000 campaign, the devoutly Christian Bush pointed out a reporter and called him a seven-letter word that refers to a noted anal portal. Cheney replied, "Big time," which is now his Secret Service code name and may be subliminally associated with his comment to Leahy in ways I prefer not to ponder.

At the time, religious groups supporting the ticket that promised to restore honor to the White House seemed strangely silent about an obvious violation of several biblical injunctions. But Republicans sure have been noisy about Bill Clinton's book and its reminders of his sexual activity. At least he just did it to a few women. His successor managed to do it to the whole world.

Therein lies the greatest hypocrisy. Clinton deserves criticism for his sexual escapades--not because it's anybody's business (it isn't), but for putting himself and thus the country in a terrible position...uh, situation. But those who complained about Clinton's immorality find nothing wrong with the shadow president using language unacceptable in polite society? What's more, they don't mind that he said he felt good about doing it.

Of course, these aren't the first occupants of the executive branch to use dirty words. If Harry Truman didn't invent Oval Office cussing, Lyndon Johnson did. Even Ronald Reagan cursed, which may shock those preparing his beatification. So did Jimmy Carter, a devout Baptist. If Richard Nixon's tapes were played on the air, there would be more bleeps and fines than in an average hour of Howard Stern.

By the way, FCC Chairman Michael Powell is unlikely to criticize his bosses for their dirty language, having learned supplication from his father. Powell still is examining footage of Janet Jackson's breast and listening to every broadcast Howard Stern ever did. Thank goodness no hypocrisy is involved.

The fact is, all of us are hypocritical. The Washington Post showed the good sense to publish as exact a quotation as it could find and the republic didn't collapse. But many continue to write that Cheney said, "f----." Flan? Felt? Even when I attended Walter Bracken Elementary School in the 1970s, most of us could figure out what that meant. Why be silly about it? Because, apparently, if you like the hypocrite who says it, it's acceptable.

Some words--racial epithets, for example--are more obscene than anything Cheney said to Leahy. The obscenity here is not in what he said. The obscenity is who he is.