Sidebar with Agnes Fliff

Facts on John Edwards

What do Americans need to know about Democratic vice presidential candidate John Edwards?

The hunky, fresh-faced senator from North Carolina is America's new boy toy. He has a smile that could peel the panties off a department store mannequin. Combined with his slender frame and pouty lips, he reminds us so much of the dreamy teen who works at the Dairy Queen. You know the one, with the eyelashes as long and curved as the spine of a scoliosis patient. You are mesmerized as he operates the lever of the soft serve machine, delicate yet firmly in control. The way the fluorescent lighting glints off his golden arm hairs, like the downy fuzz of a peach just days from being picked. And when he sees the cone is for you, he throws on extra sprinkles.

What does the choice of Edwards say about presidential candidate John Kerry?

Every day, it's extra sprinkles. A colorful flurry of sprinkles, like a rainbow that's been shoved through a wood chipper, just for you. So after several weeks you work up the nerve to talk to him when his shift ends, standing in the parking lot smoking cigarettes and gobbling Tums to ease the thrashing in your stomach, thinking maybe this could be your chance at real happiness, that all your crushed dreams and gnawing heartache can be washed away by the forgiving youth of this beautiful boy.

Does John Edwards make the Democrats more competitive in the South?

When you introduce yourself, he tells you that you remind him of one of his mother's friends except your tits totally rock And he wants you to give him a handjob behind the Dumpster. So you do. Because hey, free sprinkles. Jesus, I'm such a ho.

Will lack of experience be a problem for John Edwards?

Yes. Unlike his GOP counterpart, Dick Cheney, this whippersnapper Edwards is quite inexperienced. He knows nothing of squatting in a duck blind with Supreme Court Justice Scalia, or sprawling on a semen-encrusted couch in the back room of a strip club with Supreme Court Justice Thomas receiving lap dances from conjoined twins, or hunkering in an undisclosed location feasting on the still-warm entrails of the homeless.