Mercury World Report

John Edwards smiles for 43rd consecutive hour

DES MOINES--A campaign stop in Iowa Thursday marked the 43rd consecutive hour that vice presidential candidate John Edwards was smiling, his charismatic grin pressed into his face by some deep biological imperative to become vice president, sources speculated.

"I've been by his side this whole leg of the campaign, and the man hasn't stopped smiling for two whole days now," said Edwards' wife, Elizabeth. "Last night I woke up at 3 in the morning, rolled over and there was John, just beaming like a winner in his sleep. I think I even heard him mutter a few lines of his speech between snores--through those brilliant white teeth of his, of course."

"The man's just got some incredible energy and passion, and it comes through in his face," explained presidential hopeful John Kerry. "Even last night when we paused to remember America's fallen in the war in Iraq, Edwards' robotic, reflexive smile did not waver once."

Guy somehow an official sponsor of the Olympics now

KANSAS CITY--Through a shadowy process that even he doesn't understand, Tom Stolton is now an "official sponsor" of the 2004 Summer Olympic Games in Athens, Greece.

"Don't get me wrong, I like the Olympics well enough, but I have no idea how I got to be an official sponsor," Stolton said Thursday. The 38-year-old bus driver learned of his sponsorship last week when he awoke to find an "Official Sponsor" sign in his front yard.

"I knew it was a mistake, so I called the U.S. Olympic Committee to tell them I'd gotten somebody else's sign," Stolton recalled. "But the lady on the phone said, `Nope, Ken Stolton, here you are. I've got you listed as a Platinum Sponsor.' So I say, `Wait, how much is that costing me?' And she tells me I'm in for $5,000.

"Now I'm really mad, so I say, `Wait a minute, here. Did I fill out a form or something? How did you people get my name?' And she says, `Well, your name is right here, sir, on the official sponsor list.' So I guess I'm an official sponsor or something. I mean, how do you argue with that?"

Opening band going on forever

LOS ANGELES--Torturing the audience with overlong, self-indulgent indie-rock songs about ex-girlfriends and urban ennui, opening band Spam is going on for goddamn ever, sources at rock club Dragonfly said Saturday night.

"Christ, I even arrived late on purpose, you know, in hopes of missing the opening band, but damn if these guys aren't still playing," said patron Alex Dawson as the band launched into an embarrassingly amateurish ballad that drew only yawns from the thin crowd. "How long they been up there now, 45 minutes? After that horrible pop number two songs ago, I perked up when it looked like the lead guy was gonna put his guitar down. But no, he was just tuning. Shit. I'm going to start growing cobwebs here."

Spam played for 20 more minutes before Dawson left in disgust.

THE ISSUES THAT MATTER

Why President Bush refused to attend the NAACP convention

Still too shaken up after death of Isabel "Weezie" Sanford: 12%

Wanted to show solidarity with repressed minorities who have recently lost a job, like Whoopi Goldberg: 22%

Scheduling conflicts, but still tipped his 40 in memory of fallen homies: 15%

Laura a little too eager to meet Denzel Washington: 15%

Strained shoulder while teaching Karl Rove intricate hip-hop handshakes: 24%

Fear of attack from Blacula: 12%