Mercury World Report

Bush announces capture of Ronstadt

WASHINGTON--In a televised address Saturday, a visibly jubilant President Bush announced the capture of Linda Ronstadt, marking an end to an "era of terror that held freedom-loving Americans in its icy grip."

After an intense, four-day search, the entertainer was discovered in a "spider hole" in northern Massachusetts, disoriented, unkempt and armed only with a small radio tuned to NPR.

"The capture of this fugitive from justice is crucial to a free America," Bush said. "And now we need fear no longer the rule of this heartless terrorist whose every word is a tiny dirty bomb blowing up a little part of our nation's hard-won liberties.

"Already there is rejoicing. Look around and see freedom blossoming around you. Women can now vote. Children have a future. And statues of Ronstadt--once dominating every public square--topple as quickly as her reign."

He added that filmmaker Michael Moore is still at large, believed to be in the "fast food belt" on the Michigan-Indiana border.

Gay community lobbies for same-sex marital strife

BOSTON--Emboldened by their victory in securing same-sex marriage, thousands of gays and lesbians marched on Boston's city hall Tuesday, demanding same-sex marital strife.

"Same-sex marriage is just the start of the battle," said activist Thomas Dalman. "There's still so much to accomplish, and we won't have true equality until we have it all.

"Same-sex marital strife is our right," he continued. "We want the petty arguments over household finances that blow up into tear-filled screaming matches. We want that icy, morning-after tension that can curdle your orange juice. We want those unbearably long silences that crouch between you and your partner like an accusation while you sit in front of the TV and wonder who the hell is this person next to you."

9/11 Commission recommends 'Shout' for hard-to-treat stains

WASHINGTON--After more than four months of exhaustive investigation, the bipartisan 9/11 Commission has recommended Shout for the routine pre-treatment of soiled garments and called on Congress to "make mandatory its use for all hard-to-treat stains."

Released in the middle of a contentious presidential campaign, the commission's final report was careful to lay direct blame for the nation's yellowed laundry on neither the Bush nor Clinton administrations. But panel Chairman Thomas Kean said Bush and Clinton both had been "careless and lackadaisical" in their pre-treatment of especially tough stains.

"Both administrations have shown an almost talismanic faith in Spray 'n Wash, or worse, generic laundry stain-removal solvents," Kean wrote. "And only rarely has their faith been rewarded with results. Though warned of the intractability of set-in grass stains, both administrations either underestimated or dismissed the threat."

Kean stressed that the commission's findings did not rule out the use of Shout's competitors for less demanding stains. "But until that time that science has conquered the twin threats of red wine and avocado stains, we must urge future presidents to Shout it out!"