Off the Charts: LL Cool J

A mic, a beat and just a hint of homoeroticism

By Newt Briggs

As soon as LL Cool J released 1987's "I Need Love," the first in a series of chart-topping hip hop ballads, the rap world knew he was a player--not a hustler like Easy E or a pimp like Snoop Dogg but a bona fide ladies man. For most of LL's fans, this impression remains true to this day--although a select few are still haunted by one of his rhymes on 1989's "Clap Your Hands": "Sucker MC's really make me sick/ I'm so bad, I can suck my own dick."

Now, wait a second here. Let's just step back and take a second look at this lamentable couplet. Sure, it's easy to get caught up in the moment, but at what point did LL decide it would behoove him to brag about his ability to self-fellate? Far be it from me to get all judgmental, but that hardly seems like the kind of boast you want to be tossing around in the company of hip hop's current coterie of thugs.

Or perhaps it is. Although most rappers go to great lengths to prove their heterosexual virility, their rhymes often seem to overcompensate--making one suspect, among other things, that LL, DMX, Redman and P-Diddy might occasionally like to get down like George Michael in a public bathroom. This--coupled with rap's almost universal homophobia--makes for a sort of sexual schizophrenia, and sooner or later it pops up in the most unexpected places--even hardcore rap tracks.

"Second Round K.O.," Canibus: Canibus is, like, named after weed, so he's either a gardener or from the streets. On second thought, it must be the latter, because you've got to be hard to sing a song like "Second Round K.O.," which boasts that a rival rapper can't perform a certain homosexual act as well as he himself can. (The line, by the way, was directed at LL Cool J. Whether or not it led to a round of self-gratification is anyone's guess.)

"I Need a Girl," P-Diddy: Throughout history, there have been a lot of similes that men have used to describe their love for a special gal. Take Shakespeare, for example: "My love is as a fever, longing still/ For that which longer nurseth the disease." Or Robert Burns: "O, my love is like a red, red rose/ That's newly sprung in June." Or even Michael Bolton: "Oh, yeah/ Our love is like a holiday." Few, however, have gone the metaphorical distance of P-Diddy: "At first we were friends, then became lovers/ You was more than my girl, we was like brothers." Pray tell, in what way were you "like brothers," P-Diddy? Was it the hot-oil massages or the long showers together in the morning? Just curious.

Every song in his catalog, DMX: Of all rappers save perhaps Eminem, DMX seems the most preoccupied with issues of homosexuality. Of the 37 songs on Da Dis List--an Internet archive that catalogs anti-gay lyrics in hip hop--DMX is responsible for nine. Yet in most of these songs (see "Get at Me Dog" and "Ain't No Sunshine," in particular), DMX embraces the prison-yard philosophy that if he delivers the roughshod man-love, it's not gay. Go figure.

"Me and My Bitch," Notorious B.I.G. (featuring P-Diddy): Flowers, a box of chocolates, perhaps even a small stuffed animal--these are tasteful, appropriate gifts for a first date. But Big Poppa takes it a step further and offers a round of oral pleasure to his lady friend's father: "When I met you I admit my first thoughts was to trick/ You look so good, huh, I suck on your daddy's dick." Call me old-fashioned, but you just know that's not the way to get invited to Thanksgiving dinner.

"No Vaseline," Ice Cube: The song's too graphic to quote at length, but just in case you were wondering, Ice Cube--who seems to suffer from the DMX syndrome--would rather pitch than catch (if you know what I mean). Presumably, he'd also do it without proper lubrication, which could be unpleasant for both parties. Yikes.