The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, MAY 26: Sen. Harry Reid kicked off his re-election campaign Wednesday with the usual telegenic passel of kissable babies, sign-waving mommies and mysterious hooded figures chanting cultish Christian arcana--whoops! That was Richard Ziser's kickoff rally. But an unshaven Week in Review must look at itself in the bathroom mirror in the bleary yellow light of 4 a.m., trembling on the cusp of truth and ask, "Is this really news?" With a $7 million war chest and blessings from both sides of the aisle, Reid's a lock, ain't he? A LOCK OF UNMITIGATED EVIL! if you're Richard Ziser.

THURSDAY, MAY 27: Cell phones are amazing! Like, who woulda thought 20 years ago that we'd have a communications technology that allows us to be interrupted by unimportant bullshit anywhere, most likely in our Escalade while approaching a crosswalk filled with blind children? The downside is they aren't regulated like a public utility. Well, California took a step toward changing that by introducing laws that would give cell phone users a buncha basic consumer protections. We call it our "Wait, How Did the Wireless Giants Ever Get Around the Rules That Regulate, Say, Normal Phones? Just a Thought!" plan.

FRIDAY, MAY 28: You gotta love the World Series of Poker for all its eccentrics and characters, a veritable pageant of personality frothing with myth, lore, folktales, mythlore, folkmyth, loretales, etc. Take this year's winner of the $5 million pot, 39-year old Greg "Fossilman" Raymer of Connecticut, thus nicknamed because the dude is an avid fossil collector--and even keeps them on the table while playing! Quaint? Frickin' creepy! No wonder he took the pot; everyone else was silently freaking all sweaty 'n' bug-eyed at the evil-smiling icthyosaur skull staring them down. Anyway, congrats, Raymer, and thanks in advance for your generous support of the Week in Review Just Kidding We Love Fossils Charitable Trust for Disadvantaged Kids.

SATURDAY, MAY 29: Put on your history shoes--it's time for a history lesson! Archibald Cox died at 92. He's best known as the tireless prosecutor who helped expose Richard Nixon as a major butthole during the whole Watergate scandal. However! Since Week in Review is dedicated to Fair and Balancedª reporting, here's a response by Nixon's imagined zombified corpse after being zapped by a mad scientist's green reanimator beam: "Roorghr! Raaawghr! Grraghawwr!" The richness of zombie language leads us to two possible translations. One: "I am not a crook!" But it can also be interpreted as, "Excuse me, where do I audition for the 'Thriller' video?"

SUNDAY, MAY 30: Dick Cheney responded Sunday to allegations in a Time magazine story that he arranged to secure a multibillion-dollar contract in Iraq for his former employer Halliburton. Like most high-level White House officials crackling with too much evil, wizardly power to deal with accusations of unethical behavior, he spoke through spokesperson Kevin Kellems, whose posture went suddenly rigid and eyes white as he said in that curious monotone of the possessed: "The vice president and his office have played no role whatsoever in government contracting since he left private business to campaign for vice president." Oh. Okay. Just checking!

MONDAY, MAY 31: Happy Memorial Day. Seriously, join Week in Review in a moment of silence--um, yeah, sure, right here's as good a place as any, in this endless line at the grocery store, surrounded by mewling children with snot-slicked faces, our shopping cart loaded meatily with steaks and chicken breasts and hamburger, corn and salad fixings and even some Garden Burgers for our weird vegetarian daughter, charcoal, three kinds of barbecue sauce, potato chips, corn chips, sunscreen--to remember the fallen. Thank you.

TUESDAY, JUNE 1: Look at jaunty li'l China with the Virginia Slim dangling from its pouty lip: You have come a long way, baby! Repressive communist regime? Check. Surging economy thanks to virtually no environmental regulations? Check. Willing to import American McCulture via candy-titted pop vixenoids like Britney Spears? Check--but cover them boobs! Yeah, China's Culture Ministry has approved Britney Spears' tour, according to the Chinese News Service, but it wants to know what she's wearing before she hits the stage. Let freedom ringtone!

--ANDREW KIRALY