Mercury World Report

Al Qaeda recruiter makes 861st cold call today

SPOKANE, Wash.--Wincing as the woman on the other end of the line told him to go to hell and then hung up, Hammad Al-Mazri reluctantly auto-dialed from his computer, making the Al Qaeda recruiter's 861st cold call today.

The terrorist recruiter--whose job requires him to scout new blood not among disaffected Arab-American youth but rather by that classic, much-loathed salesman method of cold calling--then reverted to his phone script as a man answered.

"Hello. Who am I speaking with? Mr. Stevens?" Al-Mazri said from the confines of his cubicle. "You sound like a busy man. Indeed...indeed. But not too busy to pass up a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. What kind of opportunity? Well, sir, I represent a worldwide organization--a respected multinational, you might say--looking for some motivated individuals who feel they've earned a right to enjoy true economic freedom. Don't you deserve economic freedom? I thought so, Mr. Stevens. What am I selling? Ah. Allow me to answer that question with a question of my own. How would you, with no cost to yourself, like to enjoy the constant company of a harem of beautiful virgins in a wonderful land shaded by date palms, where rivers flow with honey and the air smells of rose petals. Well, for a limited time, Mr. Stevens, Al Qaeda is accepting new--pardon me? Why , yes sir, that Al Qaed--hello? Hello?"

Al-Mazri then went out by the loading dock and smoked a Benson and Hedges Light.

Relationship getting too 'relationshippy,' man complains

Though he and his girlfriend have been dating for only two short months, Erik Bolender acknowledged Tuesday that the relationship may be getting a little too "relationshippy" for his comfort level.

"I'm really getting worried," a concerned Bolender said. "Six weeks ago tonight, Kelly and I were having sex on her apartment's balcony. And every night was like that. We were out partying, getting wild, having fun. It was perfect. I really thought I'd found my commitment-free soulmate.

"But then two days ago, Kelly calls me at work to say she'd found this perfect pair of shoes to go with that one red dress," Bolender recounted. "And I literally held the phone away from my face and stared at it, like `What the hell just happened here?' I mean, I not only have to hear about her shoe shopping, but I'm supposed to remember individual dresses? That's not a good sign.

"It's like Kelly wants to ruin this perfectly good relationship by turning it into a real relationship," Bolender continued. "Maybe she's self-destructive or something, but I can't let her drag me into her own sickness. She's a great girl, but if she keeps this up, I'll have to let her go."

New Los Lobos album out, apparently

Los Lobos apparently has a new album out, recent evidence suggests.

"Our new album is in stores now!" the band's website says, while a recent review in Rolling Stone hails the band's latest album, The Ride, as "another release by the noted Latino rock group."

Also, Entertainment Weekly characterized it as "the band's 12th studio album." Other critics have pointed out the The Ride's eclectic influences, from roots rock to Tex-Mex to folk, as on the Los Lobos' previous 11 albums.