2 AM: Club life with Meme Hsu

Nine hundred and ninety-seven...998...999...1,000...done. I am out of here!

It's 2 a.m. and I have just spent two hours working my ass off at my local Las Vegas Athletic Club. Literally, I am trying to work my ass off. So what has brought me to this insanity?

A couple of things are responsible for my recent "work out or die" attitude. One is that I am going to be selling my body for charity in July. I'm going to be in a bachelorette auction and I'm incredibly scared that no one is going to bid on me, so it's off to the gym.

My workout buddy and I decided to make a little bet. (She is preparing for her 15-year high school reunion in July.) We both had our body tested for fat content and lean muscle mass. Currently, I have 107 pound of lean muscle mass--thank you, yoga--and have 23.4 percent body fat, which is healthy for a female of my height and age. The winner of the bet will be determined by how much fat percentage we lose and how much lean muscle mass we gain. The loser will have to take the winner out to the restaurant of her choice and the winner can order anything she wants while the loser watches the winner eat and eventually pays for the meal. (The loser can't eat because obviously she still needs to catch up to the winner.)

I've been working out five days a week and trying to burn off about 700-1,000 calories each time. I am even going vegetarian for the next two months. Let me just tell you that I have never respected vegetarians as much as I do now. (KFC, I miss you.)

On one of our days off at the gym, my buddy and I went to see La Femme, a world-class Parisian revue, at the MGM Grand. La Femme is based on the Crazy Horse in Paris, which features incredible music, interesting lighting design and eye-catching costumes. It being my first "boobie show," I didn't know what to expect. I was thinking I was going to be red-faced and embarrassed all night but instead I was amazed, entertained and left full of respect. All 13 dancers in La Femme are members of the original Paris dance troupe and have all been trained in ballet. They were magnificent. Although they are topless most of the show, the choreography, lighting and sensuous and provocative dances really distract you from the fact they have almost nothing on. Also, to my astonishment, is how female-friendly the show is. La Femme capitalizes on the beauty of the female form, sexuality and all the great things that create the irresistible animal we call woman.

By the time I left the 300-seat La Femme Theatre, I knew exactly what I wanted to aim for. I wanted to look like one of the La Femme girls! Of course, it is a bit of a stretch to look as chiseled as those girls do, but dreams are meant to be big. (Tickets are $59; 1-800-929-1111 or 891-7777)

T&A

Personally, I would wear practically nothing if it were socially acceptable. I remember when I went to school in Utah for a year and the little town of Cedar City almost dropped dead by my mini-skirt wearing, half-shirt sporting, do-I-have-to-wear-a-bra-my-boobs-are-perky attitude. I belong in Las Vegas because there is nothing I love more than to look at gorgeous people who are barely dressed. So here is my list of where to go and what to look for:

Flexible hard bodies: Studio 54 at MGM Grand and Rumjungle at Mandalay Bay have some of the best-looking male and female acrobats in the city who perform amazing feats during the late club hours. (Studio 54, 891-7254; Rumjungle, 632-7777)

Hot male dancers: The Beach, across the street from the Convention Center, and Bikinis at the Rio have some of the yummiest boys around. Completely ripped, these guys walk around with their shirts off and tend to offer body shots to drooling women. (The Beach, 731-1925; Bikinis, 777-6582)

Beautiful breasts: Plush in Summerlin has some amazing-looking female dancers. I don't know if it's the costumes or the lighting, but they have great-looking breasts. (Plush, 869-2335)

Where the ballers are: Light at the Bellagio, Foundation Room at Mandalay Bay and Ghostbar at the Palms are the places to be if you are looking for the hottest locals with the cash to always look good. (Light, 693-8300; Foundation Room, 632-7777; Ghostbar, 938-9999)

Nicest asses: If you want to look at some nice round backsides, head over to Ra. Those girls know how to shake them. (Ra, 262-4400)

Hot bouncers: I think the Palms has some of the hottest bouncers in town. The boys in black make me weak in the knees. (Rain in the Desert, 938-9999)

VIP hottie: In my opinion, one of the hottest and nicest VIP hosts in Las Vegas is Kelly Yeager at OPM. You will have to visit and check out his piercing! (OPM, 387-3840)

One thing to remember, people are not objects...try not to grab what is not yours--but it's okay to look and be jealous.