Sidebar with Agnes Fliff

Facts on terrorist threats

Why is Al Qaeda suspected of an impending attack against the United States?

Attorney General John Ashcroft, taking time out from his hectic schedule of monitoring deviant behavior by squatting in front of porn theater glory holes all trembly and alive, announced that credible evidence had been gathered warning of advanced attack plans. Chemical or biological weapons may be used against high-profile events. Or worse, terrorists could shove a stick into the spokes of President Bush's Huffy, causing him to take another spill and possibly receive multiple boo-boos.

Why do authorities think the attack will occur during the summer?

Jumpy catfish notwithstanding, summertime ratchets up America's skanktastic side. We shed all cultural and physical inhibitions beginning with the unfurling of the cellulite. If there's one thing terrorists can't stand, it's the sight of pasty airbags of ass exploding from the frayed bottoms of our Daisy Dukes as we waddle around the county fairgrounds inhaling corn dogs and dragging the mini-walruses--the walritos--we call children by their fried dough-engorged flippers. Most of the world lives in staggering poverty and our kids are so fat they can't make it down a slide unless it's heavily greased.

Has the terror threat level been changed?

No. It will continue to stay at yellow as long as the Color Wheel O' Horror is sponsored by Cheez-It.

Has the war in Iraq made us more or less safe from terrorist attacks?

This is an exceedingly difficult question to answer but with my background, I feel like I bring a fresh perspective to the situation. I am, of course, the only woman to ever participate in a threesome with David Lee Roth and Red Buttons, and I'm going to go with...less safe. But at least some soldiers learned how to connect electrodes to prisoners' genitalia. So they learned a trade.