Mercury World Report

The golden rules

Summer has arrived, and that means tanning season. While prolonged sun exposure has been linked to premature aging and skin cancer, there are ways to achieve that golden tan safely and wisely. Here are some tips on tanning safety.

• Before you tan, weigh the rewards of beautiful bronzed skin against the risks of skin cancer. Then think of your dad's paper-white legs sticking out of his Bermuda shorts and go lie out by the pool.

• The sun is like a French lover. He will kiss your skin for hours, yes, but sooner or later he's going to hit you up for rent money.

• Be sure to remove all jewelry before entering Midas 3000 KX20 walk-through body-bronzing machine (George Hamilton only).

• Got a bizarre need to look like a hairy-chested oompa loompa in Speedos? A tanning spray might be just the thing for you.

• Experts are of two minds about the safety of tanning beds. One camp says the concentrated UV rays pose a greater threat of skin cancer. The other camp says you should take your panties off and fall asleep with your legs open.

• Never stare directly at the sun. It can perceive this as a threat and may attack without warning.

• If you think a mole has changed size, shape or color, do not confront it immediately. This is an awkward time for cancer cells, when they're first trying to assert their dominance over healthy tissues. Let the mole "act out," and then talk to it honestly about your profound disappointment in its behavior.

• You don't have to spend a lot of money on fancy, name-brand sunscreens to get effective coverage. You can easily make your own sunscreen with a simple tincture of micronized titanium dioxide, avobenzone, zinc oxide, benzophenone and baking soda. Try it!

• No, contrary to what your stupid-ass hippie friend says, you can't get a "moontan."

• Remember that the sun's power comes from nuclear fusion. And from its uncanny self-confidence.

• You can test your skin's sensitivity to the sun without putting your whole body at risk. Simply cut off a two-square-inch swatch of skin off your chest and let it lie in the sun for a few hours.

• Booth tanning is a viable alternative to sunbathing; plus, it's private, so no one can hear your endless bitching about how expensive gas is nowadays.

• Want a rich, golden tan but want to avoid the sun? Kill sunbathers and wear their skin as a ghoulish costume.