A/E Highlights

Jerry who?

What is the deal with these comedians? They talk about airplanes, they talk about relationships, they talk about bodily functions, yadda yadda yadda. I mean, who cares? And what's up with the microphone? Do pop stars in low-rider jeans have exclusive rights to the headset microphones or is it just impossible to pry the mic out of that Bob Dole death grip? Anyway, Seinfeld's playing Caesars Palace at 7:30 p.m. Friday and Saturday. Tickets are $82.60-$135. Sixty cents? What's the deal with that? Info: 474-4000.

Pack that Victoria's secret away

Hey, Jewel, what ever happened to that quaint hippie waif from the frozen tundra? Did you really think we needed another pop tart? Come back home, Sunshine. Just follow the scent of the patchouli. She's at the Joint at 8 p.m. Sunday. Tickets are $53.50-$78.50. Info: 693-5066.

Yep, them dreads is natty

You know, we're really glad that the valley hosts so many open-air events like Reggae in the Desert. They almost never get rained out, you can see a lot of bands cheap and just soak in the sunshine and fresh air. Now if they'd just move a few events to the spring and fall when it isn't ass-blistering hot. Catch the island food and reggae, including Yellowman and Eek-A-Mouse, from 6 p.m. to midnight at the Government Center Amphitheater at 500 S. Grand Central Parkway. Tickets are $15 in advance and $20 the day of the show. Info: 229-6792.

Kansas: Because Nebraska sounded dull

It could be worse. They could have named themselves South Dakota. No doubt they'll be playing all their big hits, such as "Dust in the Wind," "Carry on My Wayward Son" and...uh, some others? Hey, that's probably enough. Aren't those songs like 87 minutes each? Ah, we kid, because we love. To kid, that is. Bwahahaahha! Must get more coffee. Inside voice escaping again. The show is at the House of Blues tonight at 7. Tickets are $25 to $30. Info: 632-7600.

Keepin' it real...sorta

The Mix Tape Tour showcases some of the finest streetball players the country has to offer. Except they don't play it in the playgrounds of the street, they play it in big arenas. Oh, and they have some huge-ass national sponsors, like Mountain Dew Code Red. ESPN's corporate fingers are all over this puppy, too. Basically, it's flashy basketball for people who are too cool to go see the Harlem Globetrotters. It's at the Orleans Arena at 8 p.m. Wednesday. Tickets are $18-$54.50. Info: 284-7777.

Jazzercising in the aisles will be frowned upon

Normally, we think of jazz as pretentious old dudes with funny haircuts and funnier names playing saxophone without the accompaniment of porn. But since the Raj Rathor Trio and Diana Smith are playing music from unlikely places, we'll cut them some slack. Their latest CD includes "Doodlin," "Day in the Life of a Fool" and, most promisingly for fans of the weird, "When Yuba Plays the Rhumba on the Tuba." They'll be at the Winchester Gallery at 7 p.m. Friday. Tickets are $15, $10 for students and seniors and $7 for Guitar and Jazz Society members. Info: 455-7340.

Punking for fun and profit

James Swain writes crime novels featuring card cheats, con men and other sorts who make the casinos uncomfortable. He's talking and signing copies of his latest, Vegas-set Loaded Dice, here twice this week. At 7 p.m. Monday he'll be at the Clark County Library (Info: 507-3459), and at 3 p.m. Tuesday he'll be at the Reading Room inside Mandalay Place (the bridge between Mandalay Bay and the Luxor.) Info: 632-9374. Admission is free.