The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 9: After a closed-door meeting in which the Nevada Ethics Commission decided to fine Clark County Recorder Frances Deane $5,000 for scheming to use her taxpayer-funded position to start up a private business, Deane also got to keep one of the following: a) her county job or b) the absence of any chance of you recognizing her one night at, say, Olive Garden, after which you go up and say, "I know who you are, you sneaky maggot! You're Frances Deane, the elected official who wanted to take advantage of your public office to start a business that would charge people for documents that the county already provides for free!" and ceremoniously dump the salad bowl over her head, and bat on it like a bell with two of those fresh, delicious mini-bread loaves they give you. (Answer: a)

THURSDAY, JUNE 10: Let us pause and briefly pull our attention away from the C-SPAN Reagan Deathwatchª corpse-cam, remove our commemorative Gipper hairpieces made of black jelly beans and note the passing of Ray Charles, who died today at 73. The musical pioneer is perhaps best known for blending blues and gospel into a form of music the world knows and loves today as gosblues.

FRIDAY, JUNE 11: Everyone together now: Awwww. Yeah, so much for Las Vegas getting its own quaint monolithic gaming MGM Mandalay megabeast--woulda made a great meta-gimmick to complement the Strip's burping volcanos, fake Eiffel towers and plank-grinding slut pirates. Talks over a proposed $7.65 buyout of Mandalay Resort Group by MGM Mirage sputtered Friday after Mandalay execs decided it would be too risky for stockholders. What a near miss! We were, like, this close to the gaming industry controlling the state economy and politics. Phew! (Of course, by the time you read this, it'll probably be while you're on your state-mandated 40-second break from folding MGM-Mirage-Mandalay-Park-Place-Guinn-Boggs-McDonald reusable monogrammed moist towellettes under the quivering whip of a Terry Lanni in a viking helmet.

SATURDAY, JUNE 12: Screeching in his charming, unearthly way, President Karl Rove descended on Las Vegas Saturday to drum up some cash for Rep. Jon Porter's re-election campaign. Wait, can't the dude just use his dark druidic powers to, like, make money out of chopped-off Guatemalan children's hands or something? Guess not. Still, you'd think Bush's top political adviser would be able to put his chub-stubs to work and shake, shake, shake those money trees, but Rove only scored...$50,000 for Porter's campaign? Weak! Note to Rove: Staple human mask over glistening monster face more thoroughly next time.

SUNDAY, JUNE 13: Bush from above! Relax, it's not a new Crazy Girls spinoff, it's just George Bush parachuting in celebration of his 80th birthday, proving, with the same kind of daring and panache that marked his administration, that old people's whole bodies are susceptible to gravity, and not just their cheeks, asses and boobs. Mr. Bush--with our other hand, not the one that stops picking our nose when the C-SPAN camera pans our way and quickly snaps to our flag-painted forehead to salute the Beef Jerky Formerly Known as Reagan--we salute you!

MONDAY, JUNE 14: On what legal experts call a bullshitus technicalimus, the Supreme Court rejected Michael Newdow's bid to challenge the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools, arguing that he wanted his daughter brainwashed with a daily monotonous chant of blind nationalist pride without the phrase "under God," because his kid's a freethinker, he said, taking her head in his hands and making it nod in sage agreement. Attorney General John Ashcroft praised the ruling, saying it "ensures that schoolchildren in every corner of America can start their day by voluntarily reciting the Pledge of Allegiance." Hmm. The Pledge of Allegiance: like Tang for your soul!

TUESDAY, JUNE 15: Okay, he doesn't have a flag-draped coffin, didn't invade Grenada and was just a Pretty Okay Communicator, but former INXS singer Michael Hutchence was, like, Ronald Reagan, once not dead. But his curly-locked spirit lives on, CNN.com reported, as reality TV-wielding maniac Mark Burnett announced yet another new reality show, this one centered on finding a new singer for INXS, the rock act perhaps best known for playing such perfectly unremarkable music that it sounded weirdly like a cover band covering its own songs. "After Michael died, we wanted to search the world for a new singer but didn't know how we could effectively do that," INXS member Tim Farriss said. That is a stumper. It's not clear yet whether the show's winner or loser will get to sing for INXS.

--ANDREW KIRALY