Sidebar with Agnes Fliff

Facts on U.S. torture policy

Is it true that documents prepared by the Justice Department claimed that torturing prisoners was perfectly legal?

Torture-schmorture! How about a little gratitude from the Iraqis detained at Abu Ghraib prison? Those guys were provided with top-of-the-line S&M scenes for no charge, and all they're doing is bitching about it. I do a little dominatrix work on the side, along with my lawnmower repair business, and sessions like these would run up to $500. Although that usually includes a free blade sharpening.

What legally constitutes torture?

Exactly. One man's torture is another man's freaky-deaky fetish. Hoods, bondage, forced feminization, leash play, "boner pyramids," electrodes attached to the balls; it's standard menu stuff for any dominatrix operation. Not to mention anal insertions. That's your bread and butter as a dom. Don't ask me why, but all guys like things shoved up their rectums. The more neoconservative, the deeper and less lubed they want it. Here's a partial list of items guys have asked me to pound up their Hershey highway: cell phones, spatulas, flashlights, Lara Croft action figures, frozen burritos, severed monkey paws, Emmys, tangelos, rolled-up copies of Soldier of Fortune, labelmakers, commemorative thimbles tied together with twine, socks stuffed with spark plugs and potatoes, especially if they're on Atkins.

Attorney General John Ashcroft refused to turn these torture memos over to Congress. How does he justify his noncompliance?

I think the more important question is, with John Ashcroft here, who's running hell?

Was the use of dogs during prisoner interrogations approved by the military?

Yes, but who doesn't like dogs? They say a dog is man's best friend but I'm not so sure. How many of your friends come over to your house, hump your Grandma's leg, then butt-scoot across the rug? And if you can think of more than two, it may be time to move out of Pahrump. Expand your social circle, that's all I'm saying.