Goldberg: Summertime rolls

By Tod Goldberg

If there is one thing anyone will tell you about me, it's that I'm all about helping the kids. Well, I mean, I'm all about helping to entertain the kids. I don't want to babysit them, but I would like to influence their free-time choices, if only to avoid long and perilous lines of underage kids with fake IDs trying to get into the strip club ahead of me. With that in mind, here are Tod's choices for summer reading, listening, movie- and TV-watching and auto-erotic stimulation (for kids over 18, naturally):

What You Should Read. I don't know what it is, perhaps a vestige from being a kid myself, but summertime is when I really get fired up to read all the books that have collected dust on my shelves and to purchase all the new books publishers roll out for the pool. Sometimes it's just brain candy--a thriller or horror story--and sometimes it's the deep literary stuff my pretensions demand. Here's the cold rock stuff:

You Remind Me of Me by Dan Chaon. The best novel of the year. If this is a just and fair world, Dan Chaon will get a second nomination for the National Book Award.

Born to Rock by Todd Taylor. A collection of interviews and essays for, about and in praise of punk rock...but also for, about and in praise of life.

The Dragon Man by Gary Disher. The American debut for Australian crime writer extraordinaire Disher is as complex and dark as anything by Ian Rankin or Michael Connelly.

The Survival of the Coolest by William Pryor. A memoir of the 1960s by Charles Darwin's great-great-grandson that reads like a William S. Burroughs novel.

Cassandra French's Finishing School for Boys by Eric Garcia. A fantastic satire of chick-lit by the author of Matchstick Men. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you might find yourself mildly aroused.

What You Should Listen to in Your Hooptie. I like the cars, the cars that go boom...

Beastie Boys, To the 5 Boroughs.

Patiokings, Brand New Bag.

Kanye West, College Dropout.

What You Should Watch. I'm all for blowing shit up. Really. And I'll probably spend about $200 watching shit blow up this summer, along with the rest of you. I might even write a script this summer where I blow shit up. Hell, I might write a book where I blow shit up. That's how much I enjoy it. But in the spirit of continuing education, and for keeping the kids inside and away from harmful UV rays, I suggest the following:

Quiz Show. Now I know all you kids love the reality shows. I know there's nothing better on Earth than "Fear Factor," what with that exceptionally tan dude and the enormously athletic strippers who eat bugs and drop out of helicopters into piles of bricks. If you want to watch the first reality show, as in, the first show where reality impeded on the entertainment, rent this excellent film.

"Six Feet Under" on HBO. Yeah, it's a soap opera. Yeah, I always wonder what it must be like for the straight actor who plays David Fisher to be constantly kissing men and engaging in simulated gay sex. And, yeah, it is the best show on TV not named "The Sopranos" or "Deadwood" and it starts up again this month.

Out of Sight. I love Elmore Leonard. I've read a million Elmore Leonard books. Elmore Leonard thinks my name is Tom. Anyway. This movie, starring George Clooney and J.Lo back when she was Jennifer Lopez and unencumbered by fame or Marc Anthony, is a sexy and steamy caper film based on one of his best books and serves as the perfect viewing for those hot summer nights when Mom and Dad have grounded you for visiting...well...see the next item.

Pseudo Porn Sites That You Should Look at to Make Yourself Feel Better About Who You Are. I'm a man and, as such, I've been known to look at the random naked human on the Internet. It's only human nature, after all. My wife is a woman. She, too, occasionally views the naked humans on the Internet, but, unlike me, she goes for more of the mundane stuff. "I like those sites where you get to rate stuff," she says. Turns out I do too. I also like to see pictures of stupid people with camel toes and, to wit, I offer you these websites.

Cameltoe.org. Here's the deal: We all get our underwear in a bunch. It just happens. As big a fact of life as Tootie was. This website captures the human condition in a way that will change who you are and how you arrange your package.

RateMyMilf.com. Some people shouldn't disrobe. Some people shouldn't disrobe in front of their Venetian blinds. Some people shouldn't disrobe in front of their Venetian blinds and then ask their husband to take pictures of them, post them on the Internet and then ask people to vote on them. If you look very carefully, you might even see someone you know, or live with.