Mercury World Report

Operation Iraqi freedom-ish

The Bush Administration says it's made considerable progress in anticipation of the June 30 handover of power to Iraq. What is included in the plan to restore sovereignty to the war-torn nation?

• Iraqis to be individually picked up, dusted off, told everything will be okay

• Two backup governing councils for when all members of first governing council are assassinated

• To stimulate sagging economy, second mortgage on spider holes now tax-deductible

• Replacement of Deputy Interim Council Secretary Al Zwhareej Bandar-what's-his-name with Inter-Council Affairs Minister Muhammali Hebrazza-whoever-the-hell

• Unless Iraqis begin behaving themselves, interim government will be forced to institute assigned seating chart

• Tripartite government of shared power between Islamic fundamentalists, radical clerics and angry men waving shirts and shouting anti-American slogans

• Universal Studios franchise consisting of a cave, a rabid goat and some barbed wire

• Public school system where chanting, rock-throwing children can become chanting, rock-throwing adults

• Prison reform includes installation of easy-to-use photo booths where Iraqis can take their own degrading sex pyramid pictures

• If government sticks to transition timetable, women allowed to exist by March, 2007

• Giant lottery pool promises millions to citizen who accurately guesses exact date of puppet regime's takeover by radical Islamic fundamentalists

• Giving nation own e-mail address: iraq@whitehouse.gov

• Difficult transition to democracy eased by July 11 airlift of six tons of Dolly Madison Zingers

• Rousing finish to new national anthem includes stirring couplet:

A single corporate master, who dared to set us free.

Grand Halliburtonia, our lives we give to thee!

• In a new dawn of freedom, the provisional constitution now mandates that those arrested have the right to demand an attorney be present before they're forced into humiliating sex positions and have their genitals devoured by attack dogs

• Cheap rose left on pillow along with hastily written note on hotel stationery promising we'll call

• With rebuilding costs soaring, a second, American-approved invasion of Kuwait scheduled for 2005

Hi, I'm an idiot

News item: Last Wednesday Treasures strip club attorney Mark Fiorentino told the city council he "was an idiot" for promising that the club, currently under probation, would never have a dancer convicted of soliciting prostitution. Three strippers at Treasures have been charged with soliciting prostitution.

"I was an idiot. I had no idea what I was saying," Fiorentino said of his promise. As punishment, Treasures owners Ali and Hassan Davari have forced Fiorentino to wear clown shoes, a frizzy red wig and a T-shirt that says, "I'm With Stupid"--with an arrow pointing up.